yaGottaWanna

Smells Fresh

2020-11-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

I'm outta here.

wordpress // dieciocho

2009-10-16T19:25:00.000+08:00

everything out of my mouth is either

a) offensive,
b) me showing off,
c) me asking for a favor, or
d) a complaint.

not too long ago i thought it was all part of my charm. quarter life crisis has made me delusional. it'll be a while before i can fix this. til then, i'll practice by talking to walls. those, i can't drive away.

Vox // pincersss

2009-07-22T21:41:00.001+08:00

Went out with Adek, Afi, and Johan today for lunch, 2 of which (obviously not Adek) rarely have nasi kandar and therefore really need to know about this place. I haven't had a fix since I got back from Penang a few weeks ago, and frankly, Line Clear can't hold a candle to this joint. Zainul Nasi Kandar, in the parking lot food court opposite New Town PJ next to the Metereological Department. Best daging masak hitam EVAR, and there's sotong goreng on that plate, along with telur masin, sambal belacan, mint sauce (!), and for once, kubis goreng instead of taugeh. And papadum too. I cleaned my plate. Literally. I turned the plate upside down when I was done and nothing fell off. And no, Ili, I didn't buy nasi padang to bring back... tak cukup duit :p

nasi kandar old town pj

Since it was cheap movie day, Johan and I decided to take in a movie and went to watch Harry Potter again (for me, not for him). I made plenty of appreciative noises whenever Malfoy came on screen - and the Katie Bell chick - whilst Jo groaned in time. And seriously, Hermione's cleavage? Goddamn, I want cleavage like that. Guh.

pincers

Bought soil on the way back home so I can replant my cacti babies, whom I really need to name all of soon. Photos of that when that happens. In the meantime, here's one of my best friend:

nooo

Vox // back in the house

2009-07-20T11:22:00.000+08:00

Me, that is. I was in Singapore the whole of last week, and how nice it was to gorge myself silly on food, see friends I rarely get to hang out with, and actually kiss the boy instead of typing it out in texts or chats. Now I'm back here in the boondocks and I feel my throat starting to itch again (blasted fan). On the other hand, I'm dowloading The Sims 2 (full set!), and starting school next Thursday.

2 more years. 2 more years to Argentina.

Vox // my wednesday girl on a thursday afternoon

2009-07-09T21:21:00.001+08:00

afi & blankets

Yo no he hecho mucho hoy, pero como y duermo (como siempre). He comido pescado para el almuerzo y la cena.. no he comido carne roja, hoy, no. Mi madre me molesta (como siempre, otra vez). Es una historia larga que no puedo decirla en español este vez. ¿Quizás otra día, no? Afi ha venido a mi casa. Hemos hablando y hemos mirando a la tele, mientras ella leyó "Blankets" (que necesito devolverlo a Ron). Siento que le gusta el libro.

Vox // good god, finally.

2009-07-08T14:15:00.000+08:00

¡Está aquí mi computadora nueva!

Vox // my baby.

2009-01-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

This is my baby. He doesn't have a name. Well, he did, when he was younger - he came to us at 6 months with the name "Teddy" and it did not fit him at all, but we never got around to renaming him. I've called him many things, from "Sayang" to "Bucuk" to "Mumu" but they're all just terms of endearment. He doesn't have a name. He'll die without one.

I found out today that his kidneys are failing. For the past month or so, he's been rapidly losing his weight and appetite, rarely peeing and even more rarely pooping. At first I thought he wasn't eating because of his teeth (another friend of mine has a cat with bad teeth), then thought it was just him being picky with his food. Several food changes later, even his attitude started to change. From the bipolar one-minute-standoffish-scary-the-next-minute-crazy-and-manja, he became more and more withdrawn, and even meowed less. And let me tell you, this is one really loud cat. Finally, I brought him in to the vet, and she immediately knew something was seriously wrong. I knew the news was going to be bad, it was just a matter of how bad. Honestly, I'm just grateful that it wasn't his liver that was going; that would have warranted almost immediate euthanasia.

(he sleeps)

It makes me feel horrible now, that I didn't see the signs, that my usual hypochondriac tendencies didn't serve me well. That because of my godforsaken allergy to cats that I developed over the past year (as you can tell, this pisses me off to no end), I had to distance myself from my cats, which led to me not playing with them like I used to, which led to me not being able to give them enough attention like they were used to, which led me to not. see. the. signs.

(a rare lolcat moment)

Things could have been worse, I know. At least he gets to live a little longer, although the vet gave him about a year more to go. I want him home; he wants to be home, his home being the family he's known for his almost-9 years. There's no way I can put him to sleep. Not just yet. It's not time. But just the first night of hand-feeding, giving him glucose from a syringe, moving him around from time to time so he won't develop sores - my heart is breaking wide open. This isn't the cat that slept at the foot of my bed almost every night when I was a teenager. This isn't the cat that fought like a champion through a horrific ear injury. He doesn't have any more fight left in him, and he knows that he's not himself anymore either. His entire life he's never looked sad, and now it's the only expression he wears on his thinning face.

I'm not strong enough for this. I don't want him to be fed and stroked by someone who now tears at the mere sight of him, at the mere thought of him leaving. I'm not delusional - I know he'll die, and sooner than I might like. But nothing prepares you for death. Heck, nothing prepares you for preparing for death, you know? It's easier said than done. He's always felt like my own child, even though I don't have any of my own to know what that feels like. Which scares me even more, feeling so helpless like this over a cat. Granted, he really is some cat, but he's not my flesh. But I have to put aside being scared about that for another day. Today, right now, my baby needs me.

wordpress // diecisiete

2009-01-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

today was the most exhausting day i've had to go through in a long while. my feet were aching, my back hurt, i was and still am constipated like i have gerbils up my ass, but that's not why i'm tired.

it finally hit me today just how much i have to rearrange in my life. and by how much, i mean everything. never has every single aspect of my life been so full: two more months until the end of my diploma and i transfer to a degree program (i'm actually finishing something for once!), close to 20 students a week, ep for one band has been released and in the midst of recording for the other, scrounging up more voiceovers and composing jobs, really (really) knowing the people around me and which of them are my friends, my family (let's not even go there), and let's not forget the business of me finally finding the love of my life. and those are just the "big" things. there's still speaking in spanish, thinking in food and flavor combinations, brushing up on my musicianship skills, catching up on reading, discovering comics, finally having enough for a pc, saving up for argentina. all of this suddenly hit me like a freight train. i mean, i knew it was all happening, but just the sheer weight of merely thinking of it left me exhausted.

i was relatively quiet for most of the day, trying my best to compartmentalize and figure out what's important, who's important, and even trying to sort them into a list. which made me realize that for the first time ever, i have resolutions for this year (and all this chatter was me trying to get to this point). so i sat down, trying to write it all out and realized, of course, that my list was too long. so i thought hard, focused on what was important, and cut it down to this:

in no particular order,

- finish the penguin history of latin america

- graduate with a 3.75 cgpa

- see my bebeh at least once a month

pretty doable for a year, no? i'm not crossing my fingers for a great 2009. i know it will be.

wordpress // dieciséis

2008-12-29T20:49:00.000+08:00

(or, a study in selfishness)

I. Your pedestal has shattered. Or should I say mine, because I was the one who put you on it in the first place? Listening to you speak of how she didn't mold to you, didn't change herself to be part of your life, all to be accomplished within a few months, made me nauseous. That could have been me. That girl trying to kiss your ass, could have been me. Thank you, for opening up to me and telling me why you disappeared. Avoiding me for her sake? What sort of logic was going through your head? We're supposed to be, at the very very least, friends. It left me bewildered when you vanished - I was going through so many scenarios, each one more painful than the last. Thank goodness you're physically okay, though according to you, still an emotional wreck. You have things you need to figure out. You shouldn't have started what you did, not when you weren't ready. I really hope you will make someone happy someday. Someone who doesn't have to fit into your life. I still believe that there's an amazing man in there, and that he deserves everything. You deserve everything.

II. We wouldn't have worked. We really wouldn't. I know you, and you know me. We're not the type to get into something and just 'seeing where it goes'. We need to know how the story will play out and how the story will end. We can't be in anything other than for the long haul. I couldn't see a future with you, and that's why I moved on. Not because you seemingly did not reciprocate. We're just simply too different. But you, giving me the answer that should have been given months ago, when our fate apart was already sealed? I should have hated you for making me feel guilty, like I betrayed you. But I couldn't. I love you too much. I needed my best friend; I still need my best friend. I'm giving you all the time you need. Just please, come back into my life. I can't even think about you now, it hurts like fuck when I do. Losing you is one of the last things I ever thought would happen. I wasn't prepared for this. Come back. I miss you.

III. Perfection exists. It really does. The catch is that nobody is perfect on their own, they're perfect for someone. And the catch in THAT, is that you have to find that someone, on God's green earth, who is that fit for you. And you, needless to say, will fit for them. (And yes, I know I sound fucking redundant.) With everybody, there was always something to give up, to tolerate, to sacrifice. We've said this to each other so many times, and we will continue saying this to each other for the rest of our lives: we are a perfect fit. Even if that utterly catastrophic biblical SOMETHING were to happen to tear us apart, nothing will change the fact that we would be incredibly hard-pressed to find another that would fit like this. Not even close. (And here I am doing it again.) There was always a lingering doubt before you, a tiny voice denouncing the other as The One. There is none with you. None. You're it. This is it. I'm done. I'll never find someone better. I don't think that person exists. (And again.)

I'm just wondering what in heaven's name did I do right to have you.

Vox // thirty (unrelated)

2008-12-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

definitive music for every year of my life since 1997

1997 - a long december (counting crows)
this was the first song i remember listening to that wasn't on a) a disney soundtrack, b) the oldies station, c) one of my kiddy indonesian cassette tapes. i would sing it in the car on the way to school, knowing i was cooler than my classmates, who were still singing along to spice girls.

1998 - the moffatts
then it all got shot to hell with the moffatts. peer pressure. although the bassist with the funny hair was sorta cute.

1999 - all saints
ni baru girl power sey. their first album is still one of my favorites. the lady marmalade cover is lovely.

2000 - sleepwalker (the wallflowers)
this was the catalyst to all and every song and band that followed afterwards. if it weren't for this song, i wouldn't have stuck on red fm, wouldn't have made friends with kevin b, wouldn't have fallen in love with music other than the stuff i banged out on the piano.

2001 - linkin park
i memorized every word of hybrid theory, as did maryam, and we would spend countless hours on the phone rapping back and forth. papercut was and still is an awesome song.

2002 - incubus
morning view was required listening for my very short lived band kurtapple (combination of kurt cobain and fiona apple - known as man nipples of death for all of five minutes). brandon boyd looks like recycled plastic now, but he was oh so pretty to stare at back then. so was einziger's pedal board.

2003 - something corporate
piano rock! i eventually had to come back to piano, and andrew mcmahon is my inspiration until now for every note i compose for my various projects. konstantine is one of the best songs i've heard ever, period.

2004 - franz ferdinand
o hai, foray into indie. self-titled album was a brilliant piece of work, and it was played in my car for most of the year. perfect driving music, holiday music, and get-up-and-go music.

2005 - klphq, back when they were still a quartet
yes yes i know shut up i know better now.

2006 - death cab for cutie
i loved them so much i went on a crazy ass search for every single song they ever wrote, every single side project gibbard was a part of from that thing he did with andrew kenny to all time quarterback. i wanted to marry him and make geek babies.

2007 - cursive
then i heard cursive. if there's anything material i would thank my ex for, it would be for cursive. tim kasher is a god. his lyrics are genius, his voice makes even boys pee in their pants, his progressions are amazing. new album out next year, fools, watch out!

2008 - lightcraft
in the year that i started really listening to local music, lightcraft really stuck with me. maybe because of all the times imam and i would emo together? maybe because of the live shows i would fangirl at? maybe because of the late nights of the magic trio hanging out at the studio? who knows, but i love these boys to death.

what are YOUR definitive music for the years of your life?

wordpress // quince

2008-11-17T18:23:00.000+08:00

(or, my fellow explorer)

somebody has been all i can think about these days. i've never been giddy about someone like this. it's the feeling you get when you meet a new friend in kindergarten and all you want to do is tell your mama all about him. you want to ride the swings in the park with him, want to watch the stars, want to share cookies while you two put your feet up and watch tv together. we have a really childlike kind of connection - i don't know about him, but for me, i suppose it's because i never really had that best friend when i was little. i was always marching to a different drummer than the other kids. cliched, but they didn't understand me or where i was coming from. i was always the filler friend; never in the middle of the action at birthday parties, second last to be picked on a side for games. but he makes me feel like he wants me around. we sulk together, manja together, poke fun at each other. every beep on my phone indicating his text, every blink on my taskbar showing his instant message makes me break into a grin. and all i want to do is tell my mama all about my awesome new friend and you know what he did today mama can he come over and watch tv mama please mama can we go out and eat candy and watch movies mama?

Vox // algunas veces

2008-11-17T18:21:00.000+08:00

Last night, I looked for my mother. If nothing else, this is how I know I'm depressed. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to rip her limbs off, she's still the only mother I've got. And when a kid's depressed, she wants to hug her ma. I knocked on her room door, and she was sitting on her bed, reading the yasin for my late grandmother.

"Hmm?" she asked.

I sat next to her and put my arms around her waist.

"If you're going to stay, cover your legs," she said, pointing at my shorts.

Pulling the comforter over my legs, I sat there, my arms around her, as she read on. I stayed until she finished, and left the room. I felt a little better after that. This doesn't happen very often.

wordpress // catorce

2008-11-17T18:20:00.000+08:00

i'm too much. i know i am. i'm inappropriate, i'm brash, i'm rude. sometimes i wonder if i should hold back. restraint is not a strong point in my book. but then again i never saw the point. why should one reserve their true self at the beginning only to have it bubble and fester until comes the time when it just unleashes itself (and usually in a very ugly way)? it's a form of deceit for me, to be all coy and only show the good parts to your new friend/potential partner/etc. if they mean anything at all to me, i want them to accept me as everything that i am, personality pockmarks and all. that way, when they don't run away, i know that they really want me around. or desperate for company, but that's another story.

so here i am, blasphemous, smelly, teetering on bipolar. love me!

wordpress // trece

2008-09-16T13:23:00.000+08:00

you know, i had hopes for you. i thought you were different. but you're not. not really. you won't give me an answer. you won't give me anything, just like the rest of them. i wasn't looking for anything with you. honest. but this kind of comfort? we're not going to find in a lot of places. trust me, i was looking before and i couldn't find it. the moment i stopped looking, you came into my life. we'll still be friends of course. i hear they last longer.

wordpress // doce

2008-09-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

no, mother. i will not come back home at 11 just to please you. i will not only go out once a week because any more than that is going too much. why? because i don't want to lie. why should i come home early or stay home because you asked me to, when the moment your back is turned, i'd be out in a blink of an eye? this is my schedule, my lifestyle. i want you to see how i live. to me, obeying you just because is worse than lying - it would be two-faced. be good around you, and when i move out/you go on a vacation/you're not around anymore, i can be 'free' and do as i please? what the fucking fuck? no. i want to be the same person in any and every situation. whether or not you are around to witness it. so you know that when you're not, exactly what/where/what time i'll be anywhere. too many of my friends lie all the time about where they are. the only lie i still tell in that department is that i'm staying at a girl's house when in fact i'm staying at mas autentico's. i'm sorry i'm sleeping over at a boy's, but he's my brother, his family has taken me in like one of their own, and i feel at home there. sometimes more than i do here. but all this is beside the point - i'm telling you i'm sleeping at a friend's house because i'll be done at work too late and that's the truth. i'm not asking you to reward me or not care anymore, just don't berate me for being honest. i'm sorry you worry. but i'm not sorry i'm out. what do you expect me to do at home, really? melanguk depan tv while being depressed that i'm alone? no. i'm young. i want to live. sure, i'm safe at home. but even though the brave do not live forever, the cautious do not live at all. life's too short, ma. and at the end of the day, this life is mine to live. and for once, for once, i have friends, i have work that i love, i know how to use every moment of my time without regret. i am really living.

Vox // 10 ramdon facts eh

2008-09-09T03:56:00.000+08:00

ili tagged me! i shall try be as random as possible (yes the typo in the title is entirely on purpose - hai rabu!)

01 i can be awake, showered, dressed and fed half an hour before i have to go anywhere.
02 i like to drive with other body parts - elbows, knees, i tried my chin once but i have to stretch too much.
03 i want to drive a tractor someday. or one of those steamroller things. or the caterpillar ones.
04 i believe that the answer to my life lies in the streets of buenos aires.
05 i have been wanting to lie on the ground and stare at the sky a lot lately. day and night.
06 i really like picking my nose, when the occasion calls for it.
07 i adore my new best friend and fellow explorer of unchartered territories.
08 i make pretty awesome salt & vinegar potato chips if i do say so myself :D
09 i love every moment i'm with him, but that's a given, really.
10 i do not wear a bra at home. can't stand it.

ok i tag you, you, you and your mother too.

wordpress // once

2008-08-23T01:59:00.000+08:00

wandering in my head lately :

you know, the more you say you don't want to be in a relationship and that you're not ready and that you don't believe in marriage? makes you sound like you want to, you are ready, and you believe.

i once read, 'it has been said that a child who loses a parent is an orphan. a man who loses his wife is a widower. a woman who loses her husband is a widow. there is no name for a parent who loses a child, for there are no words to describe this pain.'

i don't know what this means, but every time after i see him, i want to see you. every single time.

i think i have too many ideas for my deli/tapas bar, but too many ideas is better than too little.

current living situation plan: stay at home until graduate with degree > argentina for a year (at the very least a month) whether to do my masters or not > rent a house with friends for a couple of years just because > if i'm getting hitched then it depends on the guy's plans too, if not then it's back home.

we're telling each other bit by bit, filling in the gaps in the picture we have of each other. it feels deliberately slow in a good way. like we know we have all the time in the world to get where we know we're going.

sometimes i think the real reason why no one can be with you is because even you can't stand being with yourself.

that was the first time i sang that song to a man i've never kissed. didn't last very long though, hah!

i love how we both live for today but plan like we have our whole lives ahead of us.

everything i do, i do it for me (at least i'm honest enough to admit that).

i have so many unread books. i should control my time online.

of course i want him to fall in love with me. it's going to make leaving for argentina, even for a little while, a disgusting bitch though.

wordpress // diez

2008-08-19T23:41:00.000+08:00

other ways in which my life could have gone:

a concert musician.
studying music from the age of six does funny things to your brain. everything you play or listen to is immediately subject to interpretation and analysis, nothing is purely pleasurable sound anymore. there weren't so many ways i could go with classical music - the most obvious choice was to join an orchestra or play in hotel lounges for the rest of my natural life. unfortunately, lack of talent, skill, and practice led me to let go of this career choice... and go into indie music instead \m/

an aerospace/aeronautical engineer for the military.
this was as serious about science as i ever got in my life. uninteresting physics teachers didn't help at all, though i don't blame them. i never wanted to do this because i was patriotic, i just thought planes and rockets were cool (i still do - if we had discovery turbo or the military channel, those would be my default channels). i even looked up colleges to study engineering; i was thisclose to sending an application to mcgill. but a life in the military meant that i wasn't going to see the people that i love on a regular basis. eventually, the idea fizzled out.

a line cook.
i discovered food, really discovered food (even though i've been flopping around in it since i was wee) when i was about 18 or 19 watching channel 11 (now 707). anthony bourdain opened my eyes; i bought his books, devoured every single word and when i dreamed at night it was in a clanging smoking midtown kitchen banging out orders on the fly while working at the sautee station. bad knees and joints in general grinded this career path to a halt - working on my feet 12 hours a day? horreur! i still potter around in the kitchen ever so often, and am still constantly - and i mean constantly - looking for ideas for my future deli/tapas bar.

an industrial designer.
don't ask me how, i ended up in design school studying architecture. i loved and still love every aspect of my syllabus, the art, the science, the history, the law, everything. but as time went by, i fell apart and i couldn't cope with the work. it came to the point where i would literally cry when i sat at my drawing table with the clutch pencil. it was heartbreaking, i really did love it, and i was already 2 years into my diploma at that point. to save my effort, i decided to finish my diploma then transfer as many credits as i could to a degree in industrial design - i still loved physics, construction and i needed my work to ask of me at least a little creativity. as luck would have it i couldn't even finish my architecural diploma, and that was that.

a social worker for people with learning disabilities.
while looking for ways out of design school, i tried my hand at volunteering. animal shelter, center for special youth, old folks' home. i found that it was incredibly liberating to do something completely for another being, not worrying whether i was going to make money or bring home any bacon. i was really interested in figuring out ways to help mentally-challenged children learn (i still am, on some level). my biggest dream now (aside from argentina) is to set up a properly funded, properly equipped youth council with appropriate programs and facilities - because really, when you don't take care of your youth, you're not taking care of your country, your own kids, your own future.

right now, i'm studying media & communication. mostly because it's an area that i can fare pretty well in and i need to show my parents a piece of paper to make them happy. working as a piano teacher/voice over talent/composer part-time helps with the whole 'steady income' bit until i figure out what i should concentrate on. at the end of the day though, i still feel that life is too short to be tied to one path (though not to one person - i'm all for that). i'm a big fan of veering off said path. maybe one of these days i'll find where i'm supposed to go.

Vox // playing catch(up)

2008-08-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

Okay, so the voice-acting/dubbing thing didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be. As in it wasn't that difficult to do. But I'll sooner chew my foot than advertise when it is the anime will be out on cable! I just did it for the check. Apparently Rashdan was in to audition later but there's only so many trips back to SSP I can take in a month, hehe. Picked up Munir and headed over to Raju's after that and man, nasi daun pisang is the only thing I would break my rice-fast for, plis. The sotong was especially good, though they cleverly disguised a lot of onions in the dish with batter so you would think you were getting more squid than you actually were -_- Mahal, tapi enak, lazat dan disukai ramai. Since Mokhtar was out doing errands, I didn't have to go in to work, so picked up Afi to go to A&W after that to get my ma's replacement burger (long story). Bought mango cotton ice cream (SO GOOD), a mandolin and a bottle of Sinchan ice cream soda at the 100Yen shop in Uptown. Especially stoked about the mandolin, think of all the chips I could make with this baby! Mmm. Ended my day at Li's lounging on her bed, ignoring invites to watch the short+sweet plays, then moving to the couch to watch the Olympics.

Now, just finished a bowl of Indomie soto betawi and listening to B-Quartet. Tomorrow night's Myo's farewell bbq, I'm bringing potato salad as usual ^^v It was really nice seeing all of them today after so long. I miss my days like these, days that are so full and lovely and fun that I just need to write it all down even though it's incoherent babbling (I should probably pick up scrapbooking). But schedules, oil prices and life gets in the way :\ Ok so that was my day, I am full, good nighto.

wordpress // nueve

2008-08-15T00:39:00.001+08:00

You have been in my thoughts almost every day since that night in 2002; nobody has managed to hold me for this long.

This is how I know I'm attracted to you.

You make me feel everything and nothing, confused yet content, from perfectly numb to nervous explosions and back again.

This is how I know I'm connected to you.

You are the most hardworking and driven man I could possibly have the privilege of knowing.

This is how I know I respect you.

You are all I want and need in a partner, even without you knowing what I want and need.

This is how I know I adore you.

You make me want to be better, to push myself, to believe in what I'm doing. To do what I believe in.

This is how I know I owe you.

I love that you want separate bedrooms, that you're not picky about food, that you use the same mugs and dress in the same 5 tshirts and same worn pair of Adidas all the time. I love your perverted jokes, your silent laughter that you seem to reserve for me, your signature phrases. I love that you won't admit that you need someone to help you out with your work and that I'm probably the best person suited for the job. I love your strong hands, your tired hellos, your cute belly, your errant cowlick, your beautiful smile. Oh God, do I love your smile.

(I love your coffee and soda addiction, really, even though I don't agree with it)

I love that I couldn't detect your scent for the longest time, and when I finally did, I fell to the floor and closed my eyes so I could remember it. I love that you love kids and cats. I love that most of your friends are more than 5 years younger and you can joke and hang out with us, but you know your place in the world as an adult. I love that you're best friends with your parents, that you're a much gentler man than you were when you were younger. I love that you have gone through so much, and am still carrying the burden of taking care of your family but still you come out smiling (and winning) at the end. I love that you're happy making a living out of making other people happy making money from making music. I love that you know that you can be better, that you push yourself. That you already are that responsible, passionate man with dreams that you want to be. A man with dreams that he's not afraid to work towards no matter who or what gets in his way. I love our late afternoon talks that bleed into the night, when we talk about our dreams, our hopes, our plans. I love that you don't tell everything about your past, present, future to one person but me. I love that you deem me special, and mean it.

Most of all, I think, I love that you don't love anyone. Not like how I love you. Which, in the tiny instance of remote possibility that you may in fact love me back? would make it that much sweeter.

But I don't think you will anyway. That's okay. I'm okay alone. And you, obviously, are too.

Vox // hallelujah for jet black

2008-08-14T22:41:00.001+08:00

(This was meant to be posted a long time ago, 03/26/08 to be exact, but better late than never eh?)

The keypad on my borrowed Nokia 6600 is going wonky - keys 1, 4, & 7 don't work and I've been trying to come up with ways to text. First attempt involved avoiding words with GHI and PQRS but it turned out harder than I thought - "it's a bitch to use big words" became "female woof2 to do a lot w" and replacing my S's with Z's. My second attempt which I'm trying out now is _e_lac_n_ t_o_e lette__ w_t_ unde__co_e_, ve_y Vanna W__te of me. I know I should just not SMS altogether or just buy the bloody Walkman phone myself already but if you knew me at all, in spite of trying my best to find the simplest explanations, I always do things the long way round.

Vox // just a thought,

2008-08-14T22:39:00.001+08:00

I've always said that I would like to date a human version of scary cat. Old, grumpy, fussy. Yet cuddly, handsome and would love only me. 5 out of 6: I dated you didn't I.

Vox // because my life isn't complicated enough

2008-08-10T22:24:00.001+08:00

Added to my list of spur-of-the-moment crazy rules: no eating a dish outside if I haven't actually made it before myself. *

This little rule simultaneously kills several birds with one stone, and delicious little birds they are.

First, it saves me money. As many different dishes as I have made in the past, there are many many more I haven't. Eliminating those choices will mean - with my absolute pickiness in taste - that I would rather not eat at all. This keeps more change in my pocket for gas and saving up to buy more members of the Black family.

Second (this is most important), it gets me off my ass and into the kitchen. There are so many things that I've been meaning to make myself that I keep putting off; for example red velvet cake, which has been on the list since last year. This rule means that for me to want to eat said red velvet cake at all, I would have to make it myself first. There's also pizza, asam laksa, burritos, baba ganoush, wantan mee, etc etc etc. If I were to slack off from my kitchen time, that would mean that I'll be stuck eating the same old things day in day out. Kitchen work would thus be vital to the variety of my diet.

Third, as a result from the first bird I killed, I will simply eat less out and more at home. Eating less is always good for me - it's not like I work in the fields all day; I don't need that many calories. Eating more at home, or food from home means that I know how my food is prepped, what went into it. I'll also ration myself better because I know that there's more in the fridge, therefore I won't have to pressure myself into finishing the whole bowl.

So until further notice, eating out will restrict me to grilled meats, some pasta variations, sandwiches/burgers, salads, sushi (thank GOD I've made this!) and most Malay dishes. Ridiculous rule this is, but terribly effective. Because I really want to eat that bakso at Kampung Baru again, it will be first on my list to learn how to make. Line starts here for taste testers!

*This does not include:
- instances when someone wants to take me out; rule only applies when I would have to pay myself (I've never been ashamed of being a freeloader, hah!)
- dishes that I have never had before. If it's foie gras, sure. If it's the best chicken kiev you've ever had in your life, it's still a no.
- special occasions such as birthdays, reunions, eating everywhere in town before your dinner partner leaves for the UK (hi Ili!)

Vox // QotD: I've Always Wanted to Know...

2008-08-10T00:27:00.000+08:00

If you were guaranteed an answer to any question you have, what would you ask and of whom?
Submitted by Cicero7590.

"Do you want to love me at some point in our lives?"

Vox // we're not all that small (anymore)

2008-08-07T17:33:00.001+08:00

Today was one of those days that you didn't plan but turn out all kinds of awesome anyway.

Ran into Rendra at the voice-over audition at purple houz (it's in the middle of PJ, no getting lost there). So happens that it wasn't a voice-over audition but a voice acting audition. The audition itself went okay, I guess - voice acting's not really my thing, so I left a voice over sample just in case they needed talents in the future. Rendra however absolutely killed, his voice has loads of attitude which was exactly what the dubbers wanted. Since purple houz was literally 2 streets away from our old primary school Sri Petaling, we decided to go back to school... for lunch! Both of us were laughing in wonderment that everything was so small when we remembered everything as being so huge. We walked around the grounds, recalling memories of events more than 10 years ago, running into old teachers. Nobody remembered me of course, but everyone remembered Rendra the Head Prefect of 1997 -_- Lunch itself was not bad at all, RM1.30 for a cup of mi sup. So engrossed we were catching up that we didn't realize that it started raining madness as we had dessert - yes we had dessert, the apam was goood - we ended up staying longer than planned. After a while, we decided that we couldn't stay longer (both of us had chores) we ran back to our cars in the rain and drove back to his house, where he let me plow through his dad's DVD collection. Suffice to say Uncle Zawawi is my new favorite person (he has hundreds, hundreds of movies) and I'll be back there again and again :D I left an hour ago and am now enjoying my favorite weather, a stack of good movies and another bowl of noodles. Today didn't turn out so bad after all.

Vox // bandslutting, tis exhausting

2008-08-01T00:46:00.001+08:00

These past few weeks have been crazy tiring. I thought taking July off would let me relax; I was dead wrong. Almost every band I've agreed to session for decided to collect: Silent Scenery, Lightcraft (ok this one I volunteered for), Rendra, Azmyl, MUZE. It was screwing up my head, and bad. Granted, I was the one who got myself into this mess in the first place, I just didn't know it was going to be such a mess. I know with the future I envision for myself I have to get used to slipping into different genres at the drop of a hat. It's just been such a crash course that it renders me completely exhausted until I can't sleep because I've turned off the radio but I can't turn off my head.

Wan gave me a copy of the Rogue Squadron mixtape - finally - and I've been listening to nothing else. Probably because it's such a departure from the guitar driven music that I've been bombarded with, probably because hip hop doesn't involve 7 minute audio wanking. But all that NBE on repeat, it woke me up. I've been meaning to slow down on obligatory music making. Listening to Fariz rhyme however, was a slap to the face. I need to get back to doing music because I love it, not because I have to. And I have to do it now. I need to play around with riffs, switch around patches, hum, pluck, anything, as long as I'm doing it for fun. As long as I'm doing it for me, and because I want to. I'm not reneging on any deals I've made. I'm just fulfilling them, and that's that. Everything from then on is going to be because I believe in a project, that I love it, that I want it.

..although of course, for extra cash I'd write contrived jingles for kids, even. Heh.

wordpress // ocho

2008-07-31T15:24:00.000+08:00

(somewhere near the east coast of the usa, in a quietly bustling suburbia of young families and artist-types amongst parks, cafes, and the smell of the ocean)

we are tired. tired and dragging our feet along but the little girl in front of us is still skipping, avoiding all the cracks on the sidewalk, talking with her imaginary friends in between singing random melodies. he and i are loaded down with snacks and toys from the fair, including a gigantic stuffed cat that he won for her during one of those inane carnival games. we walk past the parked cars and families still heading towards the fair, parents complaining about the distance, kids complaining about the heat. none of our tiny family complained. we haven't said much all day, perhaps not wanting to disturb the blissful happiness that was today, a rare day when both he and i could spend time with her. together. but this was more of a day for them. she rarely got to see her father like this: relaxed, unfettered. his cellphone didn't ring once all day, unusual, until he told me he left it at home.

the park is relatively empty today; perhaps the usual afternoon crowd of family are at the fairgrounds instead. she immediately runs off the path into the park and makes a beeline for the swings. parking herself firmly into a seat, she calls for her father to push. she is a picture of perfection, even with the spilt ice cream drying on her summer dress, her hair mussed and hands dirty. he smiles at her, then at me. i settle myself on a bench with our carnival souvenirs and take out the camera. the sun is low. the lighting is perfect. he's pushing our girl on the swings, and she shrieks delightfully as she soars. his face lights up the way it does every time she laughs, an immense fondness in his eyes. perhaps he is thinking that he can't believe how lucky he is to have such a beautiful daughter. perhaps.

i start taking photos. but as usual i stop after a few. it's tiring trying to fit the world inside a picture frame. especially these two. my world. as i sit there amongst the unfinished popcorn and georgia (she named the cat georgia), i look at him with immense fondness. i am thinking that i can't believe how lucky i am to have such an amazing husband. he catches my eye, and beckons me over to join them. i smile. i don't feel so tired anymore.

Vox // to-do, august & september 2008 list (wip)

2008-07-30T01:35:00.000+08:00

- clean up bookmarks folder, add to delicious and reorganize subfolders
- clean up my documents folder, delete the unnecessary, move important things to thumb drive
(can't move files yet, boss' pc gave the laptop a virus that i can't get rid of)
- clean up room (seriously need to see the floor, breathe, and find clean clothes)
- finish recording dizzy & the so we can start packaging and planning the launch
- study spanish so i can take nivel a3 placement test
- be a good intern and help mokhtar with battle plans (for the war is his to fight)
- get my gs from those who owe me so i can
- buy a pc and name him jeronimo black and
- buy a canon g9 and name him jenius black and maybe if i have enough left over
- buy a sampler like joe's roland sp-404
- proceed to checkout on amazon and
- buy a nintendo ds and name him.. hmm haven't decided, maybe jetsam? jockstrap? jesus?
- figure out a way to handle new haircut, need to find pomade to tame flyaways
- finish reading unfinished books
- roast a chicken for majin
- actually, get my cooking cravings out of the way before puasa (eg: pizza, red velvet cake)
- put out more flyers for music classes
- cut down on rice again, maybe alternate that with sweet stuff every other day

wordpress // siete

2008-07-28T01:57:00.000+08:00

loves of life, in seven chronological parts.

el primero, 1985

the first person i ever loved. strictly speaking, he's my second cousin. blood, however, has never really been a basis for how i feel. ever since we were in our diapers, we were in each other's hair, chasing one another around our homes, tricking the other into giving up our fried chicken or time on the playstation. but whenever we were apart, we missed each other until it hurt, constantly asking our mothers when he was coming up to kl or when i was going to singapore. whether we imagine it or not, whenever one of us is feeling an intense emotion, whether it be anger, sadness or joy, the other would feel inexplicably the same whether or not it was incongruous to the current situation. he is my other half, and although we don't see each other very often still, life without him would be akin to blindness.

compañero de alma, 1999

we first met in 1998. she was in another class, on another floor, with friends that came to high school with her from primary school. i was an island in a sea of girls, weirded out that there weren't any boys around since i was from a co-ed primary school. we ended up in the same class the year after, gradually gravitating towards each other until we sat together at the back of kemahiran hidup classes, planning our nomadic route around the world while ignoring steps on how to make a tissue box cosy. we started our late night phone calls in 2001, talking about anything and everything from linkin park to the meaning of the universe. then after spm we enrolled in different colleges and slowly began to drift apart, making our own friends, building our own lives that we so earnestly spoke about only a few years earlier. i miss her sometimes, but we can't force a relationship to be something it was.

la voz, 2002

he was actually a primary schoolmate but we never really crossed paths then. we met again through interact club events (irony!) and began talking on the phone. i didn't have proper internet connection back then, and we were in different schools of course, with no cars to drive towards each other. so the phone was our way of dating, i guess. we fell in love but never admitted it to each other. he would sing me his songs; his voice would move me to tears but i would mask them so he wouldn't hear me crying. something happened, i don't even recall what it was (maybe i'm blocking it from memory) but we fought. hard. and stopped communicating after that. we eventually did start talking, again, but realized that in the period of silence, we had missed our window of being together and are forever kicking ourselves for that until now. we catch up occasionally, but almost always about superficial things, like it would be too painful to delve any deeper. if there was one that got away for me, it would be him.

lo contrario, 2003

i have three brothers by blood, and am fond of only one of them. from when i was little i would look for familial connections elsewhere, and for some reason would find even more 'brothers'. finally i met her and almost immediately knew she was my sister. we met through her 'brother' whom i was dating at the time; plenty of his and her friends decided that he had severe issues for dating someone who was so much like his 'sister'. we're alike in many ways physically, but almost none so otherwise. to put it very simply, she and i are the same, only that we turned out different because she makes choices for the present and i make choices for the future (over-generalization, but so is everything else in this entry - years could go by and i still wouldn't be able to explain any relationship i have with anyone in full). we are both presented with a lot of similar choices in life and i almost always take the happy-homemaker-picket-fence option and she the adventure-explorer-new-worlds option. neither one is bad or good, but we also sometimes look at how the other's life turned out and think the grass is greener. i love her like a sister, but like a sister, there are times when all i want to do is slug her for being an idiot. you don't choose your family. i didn't choose her. she just happened. and i am honestly grateful she's mine. i probably wouldn't have any of the friends i do now if it wasn't for her, any of the opportunities, any of this, if it wasn't for her. everything comes back to her. she gave me my life, and i thank her for that.

más auténtico, 2004

we found each other's blogs through lo contrario's, and began commenting then texting in earnest. we didn't chat online much in the beginning as i still didn't have proper internet connection yet. but the texting, oh the texting. i was going through architorture hell, and he was up north in university. neither one of us finished what we were studying (now we're studying at the same place) but oh the texting. we went through credit like water; we couldn't get enough of how we just connected and understood each other so profoundly like that. it was intense - it still is - how we communicate (we've moved beyond texting to seeing each other almost everyday, or at least once a week). he's my lifeblog; we tell each other everything, and i mean every single thing. we've passed so many points of no return; we know more about each other than humanly possible. there isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk in some form or the other. he's more of a brother to me than any of my 'real' ones are. he drives out of his way, spends the last bit of change, takes all my whining; all for me and i don't know how i deserve someone like him in my life. he's probably the only man alive who would take a bullet for me, and i thank god every day for that.

casi, 2006

my first real relationship, the first (and maybe only) person i loved with such fervor. we met on a social networking site. though we had many friends in common, our paths would have rarely crossed since he was and still is working on the weirdest schedule. he was seeing someone at the time we met, but they were already slightly rocky. i was the light in his crazy life, i guess, and no matter how he or i spins it, he left her for me. we were together for a little over two years, squashing any whispers of me being a rebound. as wrapped up in himself as he was, as bewildering as our fights were, i loved him more than my own life in those two years. we made plans. we were going somewhere. until i realized that he wasn't with me because of who i was to him, but what i was in his life. he was never tender. never paid attention to the little things. things that in the end, i wasn't willing to look past. i guess i was trying to fit him into my life too. call me picky. call me young. call me anything you want. i left him one night. it was the best thing to do, and no more shall be said about him pertaining to this matter.

la preocupación, 2007

we knew of each other, i think, but were introduced by a mutual friend by way of a group chatroom. we didn't chat much in the beginning, but all the late nights of him in the office and me bored at home eventually led to us being fast friends. he has the sharpest wit, the warmest heart, and is not the kind of guy you want to bring home to meet your parents, but is the guy you want to bring home to meet your parents. but god is fair, and despite all his good points, he's more wounded and broken than most of us. probably because he has a built in masochistic self-destruct program or he is a fan of flagellation, but most times he seems unable to resist digging himself into a hole. he is built to be a husband, a father. no woman seems to want to stick around for that. that, or maybe he subconsciously drives them away. all the time in the world can't make me figure him out. nothing breaks my heart more than to see him in pain. i would give my life to him, to keep his heart from breaking. to hold him and make sure that nobody will ever hurt him ever again. all the time in the world to figure him out. to help him be what he was built for. but he's in love with lo contrario (everything comes back to her). that's okay. i'm not ready to close all the other doors, cut out all the other options in my life for him just yet. which makes me wonder what's wrong with me.

this entry was the easiest and hardest thing for me to write. describing how i felt was easy. holding it back was not.

wordpress // seis

2008-07-26T01:29:00.001+08:00

probably as a result of the last post's subject, i've been bloody irresponsible lately. canceling jamming sessions, flaking out on friends. just pulled out of playing for a gig tomorrow, wasn't quite in the mood to travel 40km into town and back just to play one song. everything's just been so on edge lately. i laugh too easily, cry too easily, get pissed too easily. i used to know exactly what was going on in my head. now it's just a muddled messy fog of thoughts that i can't and don't want to sort through because i don't think i can handle what i'm supposed to be thinking about. if that makes sense. even my eating has gone to pieces; i've been eating rice every day and my stomach is screaming in pain but i won't stop. internship starts next week. better hope i get my shit together soon, or los truenos is going to think twice about handing over his house keys to me.

wordpress // cinco

2008-07-22T12:23:00.000+08:00

been stretching myself too thin lately. emotionally - i can handle, living with the mother has driven me so constantly to the edge that i'm not only cool with being on the edge, i constantly have picnics with my legs dangling over the side of said edge. physically - rarely happens, but i've been catching up on sleep and my night chills are lessening. creatively - this worries me some. all this sessioning for so many different bands has been taking a bit of a toll on my head. sorting out the different moods and themes and riffs for all the different musicians. i suppose this is but a tiny taste of how constantly fucked up los truenos must be, recording all those metal bands, then recording quiet bands like mine, and all those in between. i suppose also that if i really do want to make this a part of my future, this is something i have to get used to, and take into stride. on the bright side, it's training me to come up with riffs on the go. on the not-so-bright side, i fear the riff repository might run out if i keep squeezing it as such. also, needless to say (though i'm still saying it), i've been stretching myself monetarily too. going to have to up my music classes and soon; i can't keep relying on project money to get me through.

*mushes self back together*

wordpress // cuatro

2008-07-18T13:08:00.000+08:00

or empat, or 四. the death of ideas, connections. of people. there's been a lot of deaths recently. so much so that if feels like the universe is tidying up before it blows itself to pieces. where do dead things go? do we keep them in memory? record them like this, perhaps. a hazy trail of lost worlds digitized in reverse chronological order. it's hard for me to do that. from day one it felt like i was cheapening the memories, though in the beginning i would make sure i typed out every single word, emotion, gaze and touch. but who was i doing it for? it certainly wasn't for me. i may not remember exact conversations, colors of an outfit, when left to my own devices. instead i remember smells, sounds, the ultimate mood and feel of the moment. which is more important for my own catalog of the past.

but i digress.

i've never lost so many things in such a short period of time. the little people handling the records department in the cavernous space called my mind are working overtime, waking me up in the middle of the night with chesty coughs, forcing me to stay awake so i can make sure that i'm still pondering over the memories. making sure that they're being filed correctly into the appropriate spaces. i can't switch off. i need to stop losing things. stop things from dying. not because i can't let go. because i can let go all too well.

Vox // internship update

2008-07-18T12:38:00.000+08:00

Internship place decided. Surprise, surprise, I'm going to be keeping Mokhtar company for the next couple of months! I would have really loved to work at *Scape, there's just too much to take care of back home that I can't put off. What with everything else I have going on, working with the man is the best, most flexible option. Since I'm rather handy to have around (hah!), I'll probably be his PA, driver, designer, cook, etc rolled into one. Not too sure what hanging around the perve for two months straight is going to do to my head though, aih. I'll be seeing a lot of you Subang-ites soon!

wordpress // tres

2008-07-16T18:24:00.001+08:00

your scent hasn't even left my sheets yet. but you're right. no sé what the future will bring, either. you need to learn, however, that you can give fate a hand. nobody's really stuck where they are. everybody can choose. whether it'll work out, that's secondary. but everybody can choose. everybody can try. this all-too-short time with you, one of my best friends in the world, ever, was the best non-relationship i've had. i'd be hard-pressed to find someone who can kiss me like you, make time for me like you do. starting this wasn't a mistake, but i believe completely that you ending this now, this is a mistake. it's not even in its infancy (it hasn't even been born). there are no accidents. we should have ridden it out. not gotten rid of it. i love you still, you prat. i always will.

wordpress // dos

2008-07-16T09:22:00.000+08:00

(somewhere in the south of argentina, not too far from the beach, with vast expanses of rolling fields around, the next neighbor 40 miles down the road)

sitting on the porch with my son, sorting out the day's crop from our little farm in the backyard. it's the afternoon, but because it's so far south from the equator, the sun's hanging pretty low. my boy and i in sweaters reclaimed from old blankets, our feet covered in clogs i made the summer before. the record player is going in the house, playing old tori amos vinyls that i brought to this home from my old home. as i watch the cat curl up next to the dog, i think 'it's a quiet day'. it's quiet every day.

my son looks up to me from where he is sorting peppers according to color, asking in spanish more fluent than mine about what's for dinner. maybe i'll make that beef pie you like so much, i say to him. he smiles his brilliant, affectionate smile and returns to the peppers, leaning on the porch banister, his feet propped up against mine. as i watch his eyes dance in happiness as he compares colors and shapes and sizes, i think 'i found my man who loves me unconditionally, after all'. finally.

wordpress // uno

2008-07-16T09:21:00.001+08:00

susah sangat ke nak cari a guy that loves me? most people i know have people falling all over them, want to spend lifetimes (yes plural) with them but they don't take up on it because they're too busy falling over other people. i'm just here. i don't like to think that i've become emotionally adaptable throughout the years, taking what i can get, but that's it, that's me. i think i'm old enough to know what will work and what won't, i just wish that the men that i want (not collectively of course) can see that. i'm a catch, fucking hell. what're you doing with her? when i go to argentina, i don't think i'll come back. i'd rather be alone in a place where nobody knows me and vice versa, than be alone in a place where people know me, but pay no attention. i can take a lot. but not when the other person can't.

Vox // drabbles in paragraphs

2008-06-25T15:27:00.001+08:00

I. Around April I gave up eating rice for a month. Not because I wanted to lose weight, but I realized that rice was my catalyst to over-eating - "Just one plate of nasi + sambal belacan + ikan masin + ulam? NEVAHH. Bring on the other 2." That sort of thing. As a result I think I've lost at least an inch around my thighs and can fit into some old pants (yeslah). I feel lighter, eating better. Have already gone back to eating rice but only before 2pm and most days I still don't eat rice. Feels like breaking up with a lover, it does. Which brings me to

II. Fauzan and I have parted ways. I loved him more than life, but the intensity of it was too overwhelming. I wish him well.

II-I. Parents still don't know yet. My ma has just gotten used to the idea of him (ie saying his name without making a face). Cik Idah knows; she's the only adult within a million mile radius I would confide in about something like this. But nobody else in the family knows yet, and I'm keeping it that way for a while.

III. Internship is supposed to start soon. Decided to take July off to breathe, so am going to be working in August & September. Narrowed it down to three choices: *scape in Singapore, malaysiakini or iseekmusic. I really hope I get to work in Singapore; other than having to put my music classes on hold, it would be a very very welcome change of pace. Parents have agreed, Hougang Ave 5 has agreed. malaysiakini would be awesome too, and interning at iseekmusic is probably the best plan C I could have ever come up with.

III-I. At first dad agreed, thinking I was aiming to work in a commercial / corporate company. To which I replied Whatever gave you that idea?' and he goes into a litany of how I should be interning at the kind of place where I will be working at later, yadayadayada. To which I then replied 'Well, yes, that's why I want to intern at a youth council.' What upsets me about all of this is that they don't respect what I want out of life and refuse to listen when I want to talk with them about important things like this. But that's another story altogether.

IV. Dizzy & The are recording! This makes me a very happy camper :) Our adventures in the studio, among others, are documented here. Li is possibly the cutest recording virgin ever. Adek has been keeping us company (but of course). And Mokhtar is just seventeen kinds of awesome to be patient enough to put up with our shenanigans and we are grateful.

IV-I. Saying that ma is not handling me coming back late a lot very well would be a massive understatement. I could go on and on and bitch but I do know where she's coming from. I just wish she would see where I'm coming from too.

IV-I-I. Evil and I are speaking again, though I don't know how long it will last. He's actually on my side about this whole non-issue. Abang's no use at times like these. He got out of the frying pan years ago and is not about to jump into the fire. I don't blame him.

V. I've been thinking about future plans, even more than I usually do (if that's possible). Dad planted the idea of me studying for my Master's in a Spanish-speaking country and of course I made a beeline for them Argentine universities. The most promising so far is Master's in Social Work at National University of La Plata (program outline here). I would really like to find a happy medium between my communication studies, my musical life and my dream to work with social and community programs. Right now I only have time and brainspace to concentrate effectively with 2 out of 3. I foresee that once I finish school I can commit myself to something more concrete in the realm of social work. Am going to spend the next month finding out what existing programs are in place by authorities and NGOs and how they are run.

Of course, I also want to spend a summer in Berklee, learn shoemaking and carpentry and printmaking, be a certified wildlife rehabilitator, start my own vegetable garden, enrol in pilot lessons, finally earn my DipABRSM and go on to FRSM, etc. Nobody is immortal, yes, but it's nice to plan your life as if you were.

VI. Friends.

VI-I. I miss my old friends. Some of them are back for holidays, some back for good. I don't spend as much time with them as I'd like, but when I do, it feels like everything and nothing has changed. A recurring theme in my life these days, but beside the point. It's disconcerting, and I can't find it in me to reconcile then and now. Growing up, it sucks.

VI-II. I adore my new friends. These past few years have been an explosion of new friends, new places to confide and to find comfort in. There really is no way I could have gone through the years and come out relatively unscathed and smiling if it weren't for them, and for that I am thankful.

VII. I wanted to write at length about something. About someone. But those who I want to know about it already know more than they need to. So I'll just enigmatically (and frustratingly) leave it at this.

Vox // intermission

2008-05-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

All I needed was for you to ask me to stay. But you didn't. So I didn't.

Vox // SQUEE

2008-05-08T22:41:00.001+08:00

Dexter's so dreamy. I mean, I know it's messed up, but we always have to remember not to go too squee over Dexter...
What's the word? Squee?

S-q-u-e-e.
Tell me what it means, because I love it.

It's a sound fangirls make when they're really excited by something.
So, you often use that as a word?

Yes.
Oh, that's great. I love it. You are going to see that in a script somewhere.

!!!

source

Vox // Spanish homework: identificación personal

2008-04-13T03:16:00.000+08:00

(Because I don't have a speaking partner, I'll just pass on whatever I learned in class to whoever's reading so I can practice my writing at least!)

First lesson this week was the alfabeto, identifying masculino and femenino objects, and numerales cardinales. We're to study introductions and numbers and will be tested with a bingo game next class :D I love my teacher, she's amusing and helpful (and hot) and insists on speaking in Spanish as much as possible which is confusing but necessary. Need to study los verbos ser y llamarse, and how to count up to cien. Die lor. Anyway. Introductions!

¿Cómo te llamas? (komo te jamas, What is your name?)

Me llamo Alia. (me jamo your name here)

¿Cuántos años tienes? (kuantos anyos tienes?, How old are you? literally 'How many years do you have?')

Tengo veintitres. (ten-go your age here)

(comment/ask me to get your age in Spanish! will be good practice for me)

The next two have to do with where you are from; the first is nationality (as nobody there really cares about race) and which area/city you are from.

¿Cuál es tu nacionalidad? (kual es tu nathionalidad?)

Soy malasia. (soi your nationality here)

¿De dónde eres? (de donde eres?)

De Kuala Lumpur. (de your area/city here)

*the Spanish pronounce every letter and syllable, with the notable exception of 'H', which is silent. All E's are pronounced much like Rihanna's "eh eh eh" in 'Umbrella' (sorry best description I could think of hehe)

Hasta la proxima semana!

Vox // all of a sudden i miss 2002

2008-03-31T01:27:00.000+08:00

For so many reasons I can't even begin to say.

Vox // stimulation/simulation

2008-03-19T23:42:00.000+08:00

Ok so The Sims 3 has been announced, though I can't for the life of me get through to the website (probably because 20 million people are trying to get through themselves). From whatever sneak peeks I can find though, I actually am very apprehensive about playing this. It's starting to get way too real for comfort. Frankly the new screenshots freak me out. I already see interaction pie charts on every object and person I pass by as it is. Maybe I'll just stick to The Sims 2.

..Maybe la.

Vox // hougang avenue 5, singapore

2008-03-14T11:10:00.001+08:00

The sun is out today. Maybe it'll last, I don't know, maybe by saying it I just jinxed good weather to hell. It's been raining everyday since I got here last Saturday. EVERY DAY. Now I'm leaving tomorrow and the sun decides to show up to stick its tongue out at me and go nyehnyeh. But I bitch.

Dizzy & The's set was lovely - thank you Adel for putting it together even though you were shit busy. I flaked out on backing Latitude but I wasn't ready (sorry Li). Everything else was smooth-ish. What's left to do now is to flesh out the tracks properly so we can record the EP/album. Other than that I've been spending quality time with Yan: staying up finding anything remotely good to watch on TV, getting caught in the rain, waking him up with that godawful stuffed camel that bleats out nasyids.

Anyway, the sun's out. I should probably enjoy it while it lasts.

Vox // we is triumphantses

2008-03-08T22:38:00.001+08:00

Surprise!!

(About time, really)

Vox // the last day

2008-02-18T00:08:00.001+08:00

For a water-bearer, I sure am not really good at it. It gets on the floor when I pour it, on my shirt when I drink it (I'm actually a 2 year old I swear), on the table when I serve it. Every time. Every single time.

...I wonder if there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Vox // Right on! (cha-cha-cha)

2008-02-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

A tapas run with two best friends ending with taking the reeaaally long way back home to a three-way cuddle watching Dexter made for one of the most memorable nights in my quiet uneventful life.

Vox // untitled

2008-02-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

They're all turned off. Now I sit, and wait. Maybe someone will remember.

Vox // colorquiz results

2007-12-05T17:52:00.000+08:00

Your Existing Situation

Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.

Your Stress Sources
Feels she must have cooperation before the existing situation can be improved. Lack of understanding and appreciation makes her feel no real bond exists, and discontent gives rise to a touchy sensitivity; she wants to feel safer and more at ease. She would like to get away from what she now considers a depressing tie and re-establish her own individuality. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome--he feels that she can only assert her own individuality by continued self-restraint, that this alone will allow her to stand her ground through her present difficulties.
Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Distressed by the obstacles with which she is faced and is no mood for any form of activity or for further demands on her. Needs peace and quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress her further.

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective
Needs recognition. Ambitious, wants to impress and be looked up to, to be both popular and admired. Seeks to bridge the gap which she feels separates her from others.
Your Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape from these by denying their existence, concealing her dissatisfaction behind a proud but illusory claim to self-sufficiency and independence.
Your Actual Problem #2

Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.

Vox // 9 months

2007-11-02T15:44:00.000+08:00

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I, haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
oh what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

Hi. This was our song, do you remember? I heard it yesterday and thought of you. Congratulations are in order, if I am correct. I pray and wish for you all the happiness and love that you deserve. All of it.

ps - looks like I can't hold on to this one either.

Vox // brain profiling

2007-09-22T17:35:00.000+08:00

Alia, you possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in "wholes" without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some "inner dialogue."

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk "missing out" on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

Vox // _

2007-06-27T22:26:00.000+08:00

What exactly is it that you do for us? Pay the bills? Take care of my education? Bah manages that fine. Buy food and upkeep the house? Ma does more than an amazing job of it. Don't fucking lord something that you don't do over me. Don't fucking tell me that I have nothing to show for my life. I have accomplished almost all the dreams I've had for myself since I was a child, save for raising a family. What about you, Mr. Hotshot Corporateman? It ain't easy achieving your materialistic dreams is it? Don't fucking impose your ideas of success on me. We don't need your 'help'. If we are a burden, if you don't want to be here, if family is to you but an obligation, then leave us alone. We're running out of space here in this house what with your fat head still living in it.

I have three brothers, but you are now no longer one of them.

Vox // QotD: Also Known As

2007-06-20T02:47:00.000+08:00

What other names did your parents consider for you?

Iman (my mother's suggestion, still sore after 22 years that my father decided against it)
Nusrat (because my brothers' names coincidentally end with the letter 'T' - Farhat, Ismet, Evil Spawnt)
Zulaika (funnily enough the name of my character in my first and only telemovie)

There are more, but I can't remember at the moment. What I do remember however, is that around the age of 6 or 7 I hated my name intensely and wanted to change it to Zaitun. Then I decided that wanting to name myself after a brand name for toiletries was a bad idea and stuck to Alia.

So hello, I am Alia.

(I have decided to name my first two daughters Iman and Nusrat, because really, those are very nice names.)

Vox // north / south

2007-06-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

It was too short a time in Singapore, too long a time away from home. Sitting on the bus, I was missing everyone I knew.

Vox // Checklist, or Can You Say 'Fangirl'?

2007-06-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

Concert ticket - stub autographed by Anberlin and Copeland

Anberlin tshirts, one for Faris and one for me

Anberlin sticker

Anberlin buttons, one for Faris and one for me

Never Take Friendship Personal CD - sleeve and CD autographed by Anberlin

Handwritten Anberlin setlist - autographed by Anberlin

UP ON STAGE WITH ANBERLIN AND TELLING THEM WHY I LOVE THEM, FUCK YEAH

Hospital tag (they used it to tag audience members) - autographed by Stephen Christian

Secret show flyer - autographed by Anberlin for Faris (it's not Ferris Bueller, Joseph)

Conversations with Stephen Christian, Deon Rextroat, Joseph Milligan, Christian McAlhaney (who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, no shit - even his mother thinks so), and Nathan Young

The highlight of tonight has got to be when I called Faris and passed the phone to Deon. After hellos and how's it goings, Deon said that he couldn't hear Faris. I thought it was the crappy Digi connection so I took the phone back. Turns out Faris was speechless. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH ME. I think my trip was so amazing because I was living it for the both of us. It was probably the best time of my life. I could not have asked for a better experience with them. I took no photos of us together because I didn't want to ruin the experience. These last two nights are intact in my mind, perfect as how it should be.

One down, four bands to go.

ps - Razi, I love you. I mean it. Anytime you need a kidney I've got one with your name on it.

Vox // Because June Was A Long Time Ago

2007-06-03T22:34:00.001+08:00

Seven things you plan to do before you die
Backpack around South & Central America with Maryam. Eat asado with Federico. Kaiseki (in Kyoto) minus the breakfast. Bear/adopt a son and name him Muhammad Kassim. Live on a farm. Learn shoemaking. Fly a plane.

Seven things you can do
Cook the best nasi goreng in the world (and no I ain't giving you any). Be nice to other people's parents. Type pretty fast without looking at the keyboard. Clean out blackheads obsessively. Change clothes while driving. Empathize with everyone. But still make you cry.

Seven celebrity crushes
Tim Kasher. Toby Amies. Diego Luna. Takuya Kimura. Milo Ventimiglia. Gael Garcia Bernal. Jensen Ackles.

Seven most repeated phrases/words
Alololo. Cayang! Ow. Asshole. Ada apa dalam fridge? I'm cold. *cough*

Seven physical traits you look for in the opposite sex
His smell. His hands. His jawline. His walk. His brows (hello Jakob Dylan). His veins on his arms. His voice.

Seven tags to go to
You're it.

Three names you go by
Alia. Iman. The Alia.

Three Screen names you've ever had
splitskinfingers. radioactivefly. the_alia

Three physical things you like about yourself
My pianist hands. My just-blowdried-but-not hair. My eyes.

Three physical things you don't like about yourself
My thunder thighs. My excess hair (thank you Indian genes). My troublesome teeth.

Three things that scare you
Heebiejeebies. Animals foaming at the mouth. Mirrors.

Three drinks (alcoholic or non)
Air suam. Ribena. Soya milk.

Three of your everyday essentials
Dental hygiene ritual. Nose bumping the cats. Setting alarms on my schedule for the next day.

Three things you're wearing right now
Blue caftan. Striped panties. A chocolate stain (on my chin - gone now).

Three of your favourite movies
Amores Perros. Y Tu Mama Tambien. El Laberinto Del Fauno.

Two truths and a lie
I usually pick my nose when I'm driving. I've ridden six rollercoasters one after another. I've attempted to murder my mother.

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
The ability to laugh at themselves. Saying no when I offer them food, just take it already la ok. Their voices when they tell me they'll always be there.

Three careers you are considering, or have considered
Komplotan surirumah leader. Aerospace engineer for the military. Chef (but my knees can't take it).

Three people you would like to see take this quiz now
So demanding one.

Vox // ________ up

2007-05-28T00:31:00.000+08:00

plugged, screwed, fucked, looked, gave, jumped, threw, listen, rocked, jacked, locked, made

I'm glad the weekend's over.

Vox // QotD: If I Never Hear That Again...

2007-05-25T19:53:00.000+08:00

What is the one saying that your parents said to you that you absolutely hate?
Submitted by victoriassecret.

It's a toss-up between "I'm only going to say this once" (multiplied by 423487651298) and "Do you want us to not speak to you anymore?" (because it's cruel to tempt me like that).

Vox // cupcakes, cats, and craft blogs

2007-05-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

These days I've been having plenty of time to think, to absorb, to explore. Click-surfing has eaten up a lot of my time this past week. From the craft blogs to food blogs, I hope I run out of steam soon before my eyes are ruined even further. My bookmarks folder is getting lovely and fat with links to silkscreen tutorials and food travelogues, among others. I take breaks from surfing to pet my cats and smell the manmaid's cooking, and daydream about school. I don't think it's just because I'm bored, really, school is fun now :) The new semester is inching closer, I have 3.5 weeks of rolling around the house left. Marketing, business, advertising, scriptwriting and media & society; frankly the subjects look a tad unappealing save for the last two. My first semester results (and my teeth) will be out only next month, I can't wait!

My Blueberry Nights and Ratatouille have caught my attention (what would I do without torrents), and I bid a very very sad goodbye to my favorite TV shows Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. Grey's Anatomy is getting very interesting - I love T. R. Knight to pieces. Anyone have any good TV shows to recommend? Preferably nothing to do with superpowers or the supernatural? Tell me.

I've been thinking long and hard about what lies ahead for me, and I have now for the first time an inkling of what I really need to do. I can't really put it in words yet though... one thing for sure is that I'm staying in this house after all. Sometimes I still want to leave everything behind and live in Monterrey or Mar del Plata, but I know that my life is here, to keep my cranky parents company and to be near my wonderful Fauzan. Who knew that all this while, I needed to run away to.. here?

Vox // QotD: Not Allowed In The Cart

2007-05-17T23:35:00.001+08:00

What item(s) do you have to prevent yourself from buying at the grocery store?
Submitted by Places Unknown.

Chips: Doritos, Kettle Chips, Ruffles, Lays
Candy: Rocky Sticks, novelty Japanese chocolate, Cadbury Crunch, Snickers
Condiments: Ranch dressing, fancy mustard, expensive ketchup
Instant food: The whole aisle
Cheese: The entire display case

I'd list more but then I'd simply be typing up the inventory for Cold Storage. My solution now is to just let the manmaid go grocery shopping with the mother.

Vox // Hello Holidays

2007-05-17T03:35:00.000+08:00

Instead of June 4th, the next semester starts on June 18th, giving me way too much time to myself. As a way to reward myself for being so good so far this year, I am spending the holidays spoiling myself silly. 8 gigs (see below) with killer lineups caught my attention and a possible treat for Lied fans next month is in its planning stages.

Also in the works! Inspired by Shuz and influenced by Afi, I have decided to start flexing what my momma gave me (homemaking skills, mind you) and recycle my old clothes! I've gone through a bunch and have decided on some projects. By the end of the holidays I will have made at least one bag. I give myself this much time because I've never sewn anything before, but between my needlepoint skills and my (konon) Sylar brain, I should be able to figure something out.

I'm also finishing up all the TV show seasons I've been following (Heroes, Gilmore Girls :(, Veronica Mars, The O.C., Supernatural, Grey's Anatomy) and also catching up on past seasons of The L Word. This should entertain me plenty while I nurse my sore gums when I take my wisdom teeth out. Also, I want to make beef stew and red velvet cake when I've recovered.

Part of me is a bit apprehensive at finding out my results for the first semester, mostly because I put really high hopes on it and also because daddy-o promised me a new cellphone to replace my cracked and worn 3 year old Nokia 3100 if I get good results. It still stings a bit that most people my age are graduating or working but I comfort myself with knowing that I'm finally doing something I love and am capable of.

And here I was worrying about having nothing to do. Ish.

GIGS
Reza Salleh, Shanon Shah and Isaac Entry, tonight at No Black Tie
The boy's band, Team Beast, 19th at Gigger's
Citizens Of Ice Cream & Deserters EP launch, 26th at Little Havana
(and if I have the energy, Boo's The Works for Bongolia at Zouk afterwards)
An Amateur Takes Control & I Am David Sparkle, 2nd June at the Arts House, Singapore
Anberlin & Copeland, 3rd June at The Glass Pavilion, Singapore
Figure8ight, 16th June at Central Market Annexe (free stuff! new tshirts and buttons!)
The Rhaman, Telephony Delivery, They Will Kill Us All, later that day at Jamasia

* for once, not one gig is at the same venue :P

Vox // Vox Hunt: Guilty Pleasure

2007-05-10T00:03:00.001+08:00

Audio: Show us the most embarrassing album in your collection.
Inspired by Jay.

Yes. I love Jimmy Ray. It's the hair, I swear.

Vox // The Bangkok Diaries, In Point Form

2007-04-04T18:54:00.001+08:00

Day 1: Mai Sai Mo

- After biting our nails for a good 15 minutes, Rathnor and I found out that our hardcases were at the other over-sized luggage claim. So much for the imagery of a smashed case spilling out my clothes and gear (yes I packed in my clothes with the keyboard - it's handy like that)
- We were greeted by one of the crew for the event. I felt like a rockstar for a moment, up until the point I had to hoist the damned hardcase into the taxi boot. Must be strong independent woman. Must not take advantage of being only girl in band. Must remember to chuck pride out of the window next time and just ask the boys to help anyway.
- Grand Hi-Tech Tower wasn't very grand, hi-tech, or much of a tower.
- Rode this tuk-tuk-like thingamajig from the hotel out to the main street. Imagine a Proton Arena with the back completely stripped to its frame, and you'll have a general idea. Boon was the last one in and had to sit at the doorless door, scared and amazed that he could touch the walls of the buildings from inside the tuk-tuk.
- Learned how to say 'no pork' and had yummy fried noodles.
- Went back to hotel and fell asleep on the couch waiting for Leslie and Vivian from Observatory. Once they came back, I stumbled into my room, inspected the bed for strange hairs and slept good.

Day 2: Amazing Mango

- When I told my friends about sharing an apartment with Obs: 'omg I'm going to see Leslie Low in his underwear', I meant it as a joke. As luck would have it, I opened the door and first thing I saw was Leslie Low on the couch in his underwear, twiddling with his guitar and pedals. It was too early in the morning for this.
- Walked out to the main street looking for early lunch and maybe a bit of shopping. Found a hole-in-the-wall cafe and had aaamaaaziiing dishes (catfish salad, somtham thai, tom yam, the rest was a haze of deliciousness).
- Had this crazy good sliced boiled corn thing from the stall outside the cafe. So good can die.
- Walked a bit more. Found an interesting CD store / art gallery type place called Playground. Nice selection, crazy prices. 950B for a CD? No thank you. Our gig poster was on their wall though so that felt good. Ehe.
- Walked a bit more. Found an interesting used book store. Bought Fahrenheit 451, Browser's Book For Beginnings and a hardcover Joy Of Cooking for my ma.
- I don't know how this started (I think it was Ron's ice cream flavor) but the boys were repeating 'mamuang namplawan' over and over among themselves and to hot chicks and ok malu.
- Had really lovely grilled chicken sausage. They have barbecue stalls everywhere in Bangkok.
- BANGKOK IS HOT. Like panas. Macam nak pengsan punya panas.
- Sound ch-ch-check. The Thais are a close second to Singaporeans. Sound system was ace, I love.
- Saw a Fairuz look-a-like.
- Is it a bus? Is it a tank? No, it's a mobile toilet!
- Never perform on an empty stomach. Dah la panas. We were thisclose to dropping like flies on stage.
- Saw an Alvelyn look-a-like.
- Their visual art is fucking awesome. We were staring wide-eyed. Different bands had different visuals. One band had a live drawing thing, another had live swimming fish filmed in a tank at the gig.
- Signed CDs. Felt even more rockstarish. We have groupies now! I want a groupie too.
- Sold the last two Furniture CDs to some farang tourists, bought the Desktop Error tee and a Goose CD which had such good packaging that I almost wanted to buy two so I could keep one intact.
- Saw a Pa'an look-a-like, almost said hi.
- Stumbled over rats while wandering around looking for food. Had some more dry fried noodles, this time with shrimp balls. Yum.
- Aziz's feet are toxic beyond compare.
- Went back to the gig to watch the rest of the bands and fell asleep with Rathnor and Aziz while Goose was playing.

Day 3: No Chutuchak?

- Woke up to Boon's phone call. Bathed and packed stuff and trundled downstairs. Waited in lobby for boys to come back and one of the hotel cats camped out on my lap for a bit. The cats are pretty and friendly here in Thai, though interestingly enough I didn't see a single Siamese cat.
- Checked out, and while Ron was in the internet cafe confirming our flight details, I bought yummy yummy barbecued chicken wings for 10B, which would have sold for RM2.50 here easy.
- Flight details confirmed, our flight was not at 8pm but at 5.45pm. Hurrah! Not.
- Ended up pouting because I had looked forward to hunting for bags and shoes.
- Ended up hanging out at the airport for about 4 hours. Had pricey but boleh tahan buffet at the Sky Loft.
- Bought tiny porcelain incense holder in shape of frog for myself because I cannot leave Bangkok without one souvenir at least.
- Slept on plane.

Now I'm home, and the manmaid is washing my jeans with hot water.

p/s : Adrian has photos.

Vox // ding, dong,

2007-03-19T00:11:00.001+08:00

my grandma's dead.

It caught everyone completely by surprise. From my father banging on my door at 10am ('get up and get ready, embah dah meninggal'), to the sleepless car ride to Batu Pahat ('Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye' playing on the radio), to the hothotheat of me not being used to wearing a tudung the whole day, I was on autopilot. Salam here, comfort there. I stayed away from where she was laid in the living room of my aunt's house, hiding in the kitchen. My mother didn't cry. I didn't cry then. But my heart went out to my aunt (different aunt), completely wracked with tears of guilt. My grandmother died in her house, and she was blaming herself for 'tak pandai jaga mak', to which my mother gently but sharply reminded her that no death was anyone's fault.

The house was so full of people, of relatives that I didn't even know I had, family friends that came out of the woodwork to pay their last respects, to kiss the cold cheeks of my grandmother. She wasn't a comforting grandmother. She wasn't the type to fuss over you and coddle you and silently pass you money for candy when your parents weren't looking. She was a dragon. She yelled at you for bentang-ing the tikar out wrong, or not tying your hair properly. She scoffed at the idea of me and the manmaid cooking for a doa selamat, calling it 'taik'. She played pilih kasih with her children, scarring my mother for life for the way she treated my mother (though I don't really blame her, she had 13 children). But you can't say she didn't deserve the title of 'grandmother'. Oh, she was grand. She was great. She lived for 37 years without her husband, who died in Mekah in 1970, becoming the matriarch of the family. She spent her whole life as a mother telling everyone what to do, and in her moment of death, what do you know? No one knew what to do. Her only surviving sibling, my dear embah umi, sat dazed on a chair, staring at her sister's remains, probably not believing that her 'strong' sister had died before she did. I sat with her most of the afternoon, holding her hand and trying to remind her that it was her sister underneath the kain batik, and not another Yah from one of the many branches of our family tree. My favorite theory out of all for reasons that she passed away was that it wasn't that she was tired of being alone. It was that my late grandfather was.

The only time I cried today was when at my grandma's house, waiting for my mother to pray, I stole into my grandma's room. Her bed, stacked with pillows upon pillows that she painstakingly sew herself for the many children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren she had, looked forlorn. The permanent dent in the mattress where she slept made me snap, and I suddenly became obsessive, straightening the sheets, folding her sleeping socks, until I didn't realize that I was sobbing. My embah, the only grandparent I had left, was never going to sleep in that bed again. Was never going to yell at anyone for not stacking the pillows right. I stopped, sat on the chair, took a deep breath, and walked out of the room.

The last thing I did, was kiss her on the forehead and whisper 'I love you'. I'm going to miss you.

Vox // QotD: Chez Me

2007-01-06T01:43:00.002+08:00

If you could open a restaurant, any kind you want, what would it look like and what's on the menu?
Submitted by A is for Amy.

All day breakfast! Breakfast from all over the world. Nasi lemak, fruit platters, those crazy greasy full english breakfasts. I'd love to open the restaurant in one of those old colonial shoplots in KL, maybe a corner lot so I can open up the entire floor. And we'd have a condiment bar. And every kind of cereal you can think of. And one of those omelette stations. And oh you knew I'd answer this qotd dincha.

Vox // A Long December

2006-12-12T22:57:00.000+08:00

Oh what a month so far! And it's not even halfway through it yet. Shall we make a list? We shall!

- Quit architorture school. Calling it 'architorture' for a good year and a half didn't help me not wanting to be there
anymore in the first place so my dad finally wrote a letter to enable me to withdraw from school. No questions on
this, please.
- Still mulling over choices on what to study next. This is the most likely option so far, the only drawback is that it's
two years in Pudu aka 'Shitsville' (thanks boo).
- Finally cleaned up my room! Like majorly cleaned up. 7 bags of garbage, a 4-foot stack of papers and magazines
for the old newspaperman, a box of books and toys and two bags of clothes and stuffed animals to give away.
- I. Bought. Makeup. Okay, my mom bought it for me at Avon but still! I have eyeliner, eyeshadow, lip gloss and
blusher to call my own! Someone's getting lipstick on their collar soon *ahem*.
- Maryam and Elaine are back from Australia and I must say, the mere knowledge of knowing that they're just a half
hour drive away is enough to calm.
- It'll be one year soooooon. Milestone much? :)

Vox // Terharunya

2006-12-06T20:56:00.000+08:00

My latest student is yet another tiny little girl, my front door neighbor. After a month of frustratingly trying out a new teaching technique with her (I'm a new teacher so I try out different things with different students), I discovered that she is by far the best beginner I've had. I got her the now-proven Tunes For Ten Fingers and she could straightaway read the notes! When I told her mother about it, it came as a surprise to her because apparently Nadia -that's the student's name- doesn't read well. She clearly loves music; she lights up when she sits at the piano. And judging from her lightning speed at picking up the skill so far? A prodigy on my hands? About time :D

(She showed up for class today with a lily for me. It was fake, but it's my first gift from a student.)

Vox // Someday

2006-11-30T12:34:00.000+08:00

It was a cloudy night. Cold, no wind. My baby daughter and I were on a blanket on the lawn outside our house. Her cheeks were soft, and I could smell the baby powder on her. As I turned to look at the sky, the clouds suddenly dissipated and the stars came out. Tiny twinkles at first, but they soon began to shine with the fiercest of lights the stars could muster. An exceptionally bright one suddenly exploded like fireworks and I looked back at my baby to see whether she was witnessing this spectacle. And in that moment, I saw the stars literally shine in my daughter's eyes. It was such a heartbreakingly beautiful moment that some part of me knew it was a dream, and when I woke up, my pillow was wet and I immediately burst into tears. Sad that my daughter wasn't real after all, sad that it would be years before she would be. But also, happy. So happy that there is a real chance she will be, and I will someday see the stars in my daughter's eyes and not have to wake up alone.

(3.45am, November 30th 2006)

Vox // Say Cheese!

2006-11-16T04:18:00.000+08:00

Ever since... forever, I never liked taking photographs. Of myself, of things I've seen. Although sometimes, like when in front of the old Highbury stadium, one is required by default to document said occasion to make any football fan jealous. But I digress.

Pictures used to be something precious. Something you carefully selected to use film on, composed, timed, perfectly organized so as to capture that one moment. Now with everything so digitized, it's convenient, sure. But for me at least, it makes it cheap. In the sense that it doesn't take all that planning to take that photo of your friends hanging out anymore, or of the family vacation. Take as many as you want, you can delete what you don't like later. Simple, simple.

These days I see photographs everywhere on my friends' blogs and flickrs and so on so forth. I sometimes peruse them, as they're usually of events that I don't get to attend. A friend of mine said that she took photos to remember things, because her memory is full of holes (her words, not mine) and she doesn't want to forget any moment that meant something to her.

I don't want to take photos to remember. For me, if I don't remember that particular outing to the mall, or that funny face that one person did, then it's probably not worth remembering. If I remember it, it's because it's special enough for me to keep and store, hole-y or not may my memory be. I may not remember exact dates, exact locations, exact people. But I remember the moods, the smells. The laughter. The sadness. No one takes photos of funerals, or a fight. That doesn't warrant them not worth remembering. I want to remember things for what the moment meant to me, not the poses, not the documentation.

But you go on taking photos okay? Because all if this, hey, it's just me.

Vox // Thank You, Lime Juice

2006-11-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

The first thing I did when I got home was beg my mother for forgiveness and thank GOD that I made it home in one piece. That Vortex ride at the carnival nearly gave up my dinner and I was driving home with my head still twirling and rushing around (with two passengers in the backseat counting on me with their lives).

But,

SO. WORTH. IT.

*contributing factors to spinning head tonight are:
- eating dinner right before going to the carnival
- ignoring the headache that was gnawing since the afternoon
- not taking a breather between rides and just gunning for
them one after another (3 rides in total, couldn't afford more)
- closing my eyes during the rides (always always open your eyes, kids)

QotD: Thanksgiving

2006-11-04T03:22:00.002+08:00

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

We were driving back from his brother's engagement ceremony. I was messing up his hair into different styles for the heck of it. He wanted to see how he looked like, but I shook the camera as usual and didn't manage to get his hair in the shot, defying the purpose of me taking a photo in the first place. But his eyes! :)

/

What are you thankful for?

Not what, but who.

He makes my day, every day. It's impossible for me to stay angry at him because in no time, he will make me smile again. He makes me feel worthy after I've been attacked on all sides by everyone else. We get on each other's nerves constantly ("I hate you sayang" is a favorite phrase) but we know that no one else knows each other like we do, can put up with everything we do/say, and love each other after all the sulking is over. And of course, he smells like heaven too.

Fauzan Aziman, I'm thankful for you.

Vox // QotD: My First Kiss

2006-10-18T22:48:00.000+08:00

Tell us about your first kiss. Who was it with? How old were you?

15th September 2003. It was our first date. I was 18, him 19. My first real boyfriend. He was dropping me back off at my car, and when he stopped, I couldn't go out because the car doors were locked. So I turned to him and ask if he could please unlock the door. He gives me a crooked smile, leans over and pecks me on the lips, unlocks the car and says 'ok, now you can go.'

We didn't work out. But I'll always remember that moment.

Vox // QotD: Halloween Costume Preparations

2006-10-14T01:10:00.000+08:00

If you are going to dress up for Halloween, what will you be? Why?
Submitted by Auweea.

I'd dress in a pink sweatsuit, stick a small chair onto my head and go as bubblegum.

(Yes I stole this from a tv show)

Vox // QotD: My Favorite Sense

2006-10-10T03:53:00.000+08:00

Smell.

I didn't even think twice.

People don't usually place their sense of smell on top of their list (I'm betting on plenty of 'sight' votes) but in order, after careful consideration, it would be:

- smell
- taste
- hearing
- touch
- sight

It surprised me that sight came last (I probably shouldn't have closed my eyes while figuring out the ranking). Only a few weeks ago did I realize how much I relied on my sense of smell, how lovely it smells after the rain, how yummy the kitchen smells in the evenings, how amazingly that boy permeates my every being when I breathe him in. It's a sign of comfort, reassurance, place. It tells my soul where I am more than sight ever could. Those who know me in real life, know of how much I butt heads with my mother. But when I cuddle with her on the couch on those good days, I don't see the world. I don't pay attention to the telly, the cats lay forgotten. Because I'm sniffing the powdery soapy clean scent of my mother, a sure sign that as shitty as the day was, I can still come back home to the smells of home, the smells of love.

Vox // Not In Order

2006-10-07T01:54:00.001+08:00

So I rushed straight into creating my audio library without actually putting up a post first, which is kinda like using the loo in a new building without cutting the red ribbon outside. But before I transfer my old blogsome entries into this new home, here is my first post and now that I'm (sort of) done with the audio library thingamajig, let's see how else I can make myself cosy in here.

The Friday Five

2006-03-24T02:57:00.000+08:00

(Taken from The Friday Five @ LJ)

1) Of the various cultures, ethnicities or nationalities you belong to, which most strongly do you consider yourself?
The Malay side of me, definitely. Even though I have a rather uncontrollable penchant for Indian food. But yeah, being a typical Malay, with the laid-back, oh-nevermind-we’ll-do-that-tomorrow attitude, the urge to leave the country but (probably) eventually come back and grow old here, the sensuality (oh how the Malays have forgotten our sensuality), anything you can think of. It’s probably within my personality.

2) Is there a culture you cannot claim heritage from but which you feel quite close to?
The Latin Americans. I feel like a displaced mestiza half the time, wanting to dance the night away, take my siestas and chat about life and love over tacos in the evenings. Oh yeah.

3) What’s one language you wish you knew fluently?
Spanish. So I can read Lorca without having to read the dictionary.

4) If you could move anywhere in the world and be guaranteed a job, etc., where would you go?
Buenos Aires, Argentina. I want to be among all that passion and life and vigor for as long as my feet can tango and my heart can love.

5) If you had a time machine, and could witness any one event without altering or disturbing it, what would you want to see?
The declaration of the independence of Malaya. To be part of the crowd shouting “MERDEKA!!”, that would be absolutely priceless.

Non-Yuppie Mephistopheles

2006-03-17T03:20:00.000+08:00

because i’m lethargic. i woke up lethargic and i’ll sleep lethargic. and i’m training lethargic and i’m snacking lethargic. and i’m typing lethargic. and i’m typing “lethargic”.
- Attack of the B Movie

There hasn’t been much to talk about lately. I eat. I sleep. I refresh my email / LJ / Malaise forum over and over just in case somebody says something interesting. What was supposed to have been me catching up with schoolwork has turned into an extended vacation, punctuated with events happening in (rather) leaps and bounds. Otherwise it’s back to watching Grey’s Anatomy, reading travel guides on Argentina or more sleep.

I can’t really pinpoint exactly when it was when I started falling out of adore (I wouldn’t call it love) with architecture. At the very heart of it I still do want to be a designer, but the magnitude of study, the sheer fucking volume of everything that being an architect entails has managed to intimidate me into a tiny ball of fluff. I’m a master at flaking out of schoolwork, you can ask anyone that. But that was back at school, when it didn’t matter so much. When it didn’t cost my father his hard-earned money. Now I feel like I’m letting everybody down, myself most of all. The Alia was supposed to be able to do pretty much everything. And as luck would have it, the one thing that she was expected to be able to do, she failed miserably. Twice, to be precise, but hey. Who’s counting?

Paper. They say it’s important. I don’t doubt it for a second. You can’t get very far these days without a master’s, much less a degree, much less a diploma. Unless of course, you’re willing to work your tush off, which as many of you probably inferred from the first paragraph, I’m not. Blessed with the uncanny ability to ace written exams when I absolutely need to, I thought that I’d be more interested in a project-based course. After all, I can’t be carrying around books and staring at the computer screen forever right? But that’s what I’m doing these days. That’s even what I’m supposed to be doing anyway - not that I can render with 3ds max worth a damn. Not that I can render by hand worth a damn either but that’s beside the point. Maybe I would’ve been better off studying something book-and-paper based. But I know that I wouldn’t be interested in it. BUT I know now I’m no longer interested in this.

I know what I don’t like, yet I have no clue what I like. I can tell you the little things: I love Cursive, I can read Anthony Bourdain over and over, I eat mee sup when I can’t think of anything to make for dinner. But what do I want? Or here’s the even bigger question, what do I need? Does anybody really know what they need? Do I really need to do go on with this? There’s a fine line when balancing pleasing your parents and yourself and the more I go on, the more terms I go through squeezing my dad’s bank account dry, I feel like I’m letting them down more. And more. (And more.) They think I don’t care. I care more than they think.

Too many nights now I’ve tossed and turned before going to sleep, hoping fervently that I don’t wake up. Dying in slumber sounds like the least painful option; it’s either that for me or getting shot in the head - I’d be gone before the pain registers. Aside from school things are going too well to be Alia’s life in motion picture. I’ve never let education bother me this much. Is it because this time I’m actually paying for it? Or is it because this time it actually counts? Or maybe that it’s actually what I need to do but I don’t know it? I’ll ask it again, what do I need? God, please let me not wake up.

Although.. I’ll definitely say this. No matter what I do, no matter when I go, I want - no - I NEED to feel that I’ve made someone’s life at least that much better. You leave a mark on everyone everywhere you go, I just want to leave big big marks on people who mean as much to me in return. I’d fantasized before about seeing how the world would be like if I weren’t born. You think you don’t matter. You matter more than you think. I just want to see how I fit into the grand plan. In the meantime, I’ll keep going on. My choices are no longer choices. Student, daughter, friend, lover. That’s all I can manage right now.

Goodnight.

(stream-of-consciousness exercise at 3:02am, 03/17/06)

And I’ve Found My Gentleman Caller

2006-02-10T06:27:00.000+08:00

This space has been neglected for so long. I didn’t think that people were still coming here until I checked my site meter, and heyyy some of you still love me. Hehe. Therefore, I am obliged to give you an update of the current happenings in my life. (Plus I’ve been wanting to blab, so..)

By next month I should be working. Emphasis on the word ’should’ as I still have yet to find a place (!), but I’m thismuchmore to being finished with my portfolio. A presentation by the end of next week and hopefully, just hopefully, I can find a place to work. The father’s been bugging me to work with someone impressive and not some ‘half-past-six’ guy. Problem with impressive architects is that they’re usually part of some grand huge firm and I don’t want to be stuck somewhere where I’ll be making photocopies and coffees with two sugars no cream. Not that the big firms will be impressed by my work (yet) anyway. So small firm it is; scouting in the directory for a place within PJ. There’s a place in SS4 that sounds promising, so we’ll see.

I got into a traffic accident last month. Was speeding in the rain; admittedly, entirely my fault that I smashed the car. Full story here, don’t really wanna rehash the whole thing yet again. I’m fine, by the way. In case you were wondering. Am grounded indefinitely, and apparently my driving privileges are revoked too (by the family, not the police/JPJ). It’s only a matter of time until they’re sick of driving me around everywhere, so that too, we shall have to see.

And of course… the biggest news for me is that I’m with someone. He’s wonderfully sweet and I adore him : ) Of course, every relationship has its share of drama and thankfully, in the words of Cursive, the worst is over. This is the best thing that’s happened in a while; I finally feel like I’ve done something right for once. Thank you for being there for me, I appreciate it more than you know. To those who want to know who he is/what he looks like/what music he listens to/etc etc etc (Missa, I see you waving your hand!), drop me an instant message on MSN and I will be all girly-giggly for you.

Maryam’s leaving on Sunday. So tonight is a farewell dinner of sorts (it’s retro-themed, so I’ll be wearing a dress for the first time in years O.O) and I’ll be sleeping over after. Gonna miss her like madness; she’s the last person in our old little clique that’s still here and the prospect of not having any of the girls around is driving me insane. Oh well, jauh di mata dekat di hati kan? Haha. Need to stock up on calling cards now. On the teeny-tiny upside, new friends are slowly but surely making themselves comfortable in my teeny-tiny heart. They’re no replacements/substitutes, of course. They’re already amazing on their own ♥

So that’s it for now. But of course… I’ll be baaack

Tangible Imaginary Friends

2006-01-29T10:18:00.000+08:00

It’s happening. Slowly. But surely.

Happiness. Finally.

Next Weekend, Good Times :)

2006-01-14T07:23:00.000+08:00

Anybody free next weekend? My mom managed to wrangle a suite in Pan Pacific KL for Friday (20/01) & Saturday (21/01) night for an early birthday thing. My birthday’s actually February 18th, but she has to use the free suite by the end of this month and also, I want to celebrate before some of my friends leave the country. Anyway. Details!!

Friday 20th January : Check-in at 6pm, then TAG @ Zouk (because I’ve never been there)

Saturday 21st January : Plans are indefinite, but includes merayauing around KL & a movie & pigging out Malaysian style at night

Sunday 22nd January : Late check-out, and… MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK @ No Black Tie!!!

Of course, you are not required to stay for all 48 hours. Feel free to show up/leave whenever from between 8pm on Friday to whatever time the post-rock thing at NBT finishes. The girls are welcome to sleep over at the suite, guys obviously are not for parental reasons. This is not meant to be an extravaganza or whatever, just a nice weekend with friends. So drop by if you can! And no excuses either, since you have a 48-hour time slot to work with

Call/text me at 012-2569040 for more info. See you then!

I’ll Just Stay In My Bubble Now

2006-01-13T06:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you think you know people. You can’t live without them. They’ll always be there for you. He’s an ass, she’s a bitch. Opinions are made, thoughts are formed. We all think that people change, when, if you really think about it, it’s your perception of them that has changed. There are plenty of kind people around that are hated by some because they’re different, or absolute idiots who for some reason are looked upon as saints by some. Who the person actually is doesn’t really matter, it’s what you choose to believe about that person. I’ve always mantained that as long as the other person doesn’t treat me like crap, they’re fine in my books. But then there are times when your opinions on one person vary greatly, even within the day. One moment they’re your best friend, the other you just wish they’d never been born. Someone so moronic to you before turns into the most amazing human being in a split second it takes for them to help you up when you fall. People confuse me. I now understand what someone said to me once before, that she never fully trusts someone, because you just never know. You can’t give your heart away to someone, not even to one you’ve known forever. Or those you feel like you’ve known forever. Everyone disappoints at some point or another. But we get our hopes up anyway because that’s what hope is for. And because everyonedelights at some point or another. So for those brief moments, we become masochists and sadists: giving hope, changing minds, breaking hearts.

2005 In Media

2006-01-07T04:40:00.000+08:00

So thanks to this, the list-making part of me has been enticed to… make lists. So here’s a look back on my year in media:
And since I can’t be arsed to write proper reviews, I’ll just post up the cover sleeves

MUSIC
This is the year that I really really discovered a lot of music compared to previous years post-Sleepwalker epiphany. And thanks to Soulseek, I managed to wrangle quite a few albums off of the internet, and here are my picks of some of the best.. according to me.

With my craze for all things Latin that intensified earlier this year, came some very very cool bands out of Mexico that I am (still) obsessed with:

Yay for Latinfunk inflected electropop dance! Download: Kinky - Maria Jose, Cafe Tacuba - Puntos Cardinales, Plastilina Mosh - Afroman

Mexican rap-rock (his voice is the sexiest, mmm) and dancey Mexican rock. Download: Control Machete - Si Senor, Volovan - Ella Es Azul, Jumbo - Fotografia

Then came my classic rock binge (thank you Rockstar INXS!). Nothing the rock fans wouldn’t have heard of before already, but here are my favorites anyway:

Do I really need to recommend any downloads?

Then came the electronichillout movement, with occasional doses of DnB:

Lovely women with lovely voices. Download: Lisa Shaw - Cherry, Aya - Looking For The Sun, Gaelle - Give It Back.

Pure poetry, giddy DnB fun, and one of JD Fortune’s favorite bands! Download: Dot Allison - Mo’ Pop, London Elektricity - Cum Dancing, Esthero - Indigo Boy

Am now comfortably settled into a hodgepodge of stuff I’ve been putting on repeat for a couple of months now:

Dance funk, power emo, tinkly sweetness. Download: The Faint - Paranoiattack, Anberlin - Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen, Notwist - Consequence

The most amazing power band ever, sexy Giles from Buffy, cruising music. Download: The Reindeer Section - You Are My Joy, Anthony Stewart Head - Qu’est Ce Que J’ai Fait, Ambulance LTD - Stay Where You Are

Best soundtrack, ever.

I can’t even begin to describe this album. It has something for everyone. From brilliant rap, to power ballads, to dance-a-billy Latino tunes. Download: Julieta Vanegas - Me Van A Matar

MOVIES

(Gael Garcia Bernal is so brilliantly talented, I tell you)
Amores Perros is possibly the best movie ever made. And Motorcycle Diaries changed my life. End of story.

Oh, and my pick for fantasy movie of the year: Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. No paedophilia okay, but the movie itself is really well done. Pfft to the Harry Potter movies (and needless to say, the books), this one absolutely buries you.

Grey’s Anatomy: well-paced, well-written, great music, awesome characters.

Supernatural: sooo much fun, hunky eye candy and plenty of snark.

BOOKS
I didn’t get to read as much this year, unfortunately. Though I discovered the magic of Spanish poetry and people, seriously. You have to pick up Pablo Neruda or Federico Garcia Lorca. At least. And I’ve read and reread Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential more times than I can remember - brazen intense rush to the head.

MEN
The boys I giggled over throughout the year (and because my tastes run on average ten years younger than Maryam’s)

Gael Garcia Bernal (from aforementioned Latin movies) & Diego Luna (Y Tu Mama Tambien, Dirty Dancing 2) . They should always be mentioned in the same breath, people.

My younger men Rob Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter, HE IS SO ON CRACK OKAY) & William Moseley (Peter Pevensie in Chronicles Of Narnia, he is so the comel. Sigh.)

Jensen Ackles (Alec in Dark Angel, Dean in Supernatural, please ignore his soap opera days. Snarky hotness, bring it baby!)

[/end]
Go ahead, mock me now

And for my friends, the ones I’ve made, the ones I’ve gotten closer to, the ones that went away, that came back, this is for you. (written by the wonderful Federico Damiano)

BRING ON THE NEW YEAR, BITCHES. (sorry, rant)

Let’s Wallow, Shall We?

2005-12-31T14:13:00.000+08:00

They say that how you spend New Year’s Eve will be how you spend the rest of the year. And if tonight is anything to go by, I say bring it on.

I’m sitting on the couch with the mother watching reruns of Mr Bean, still feeling very headachy after yesterday’s stomach flu. A stack of pirated CDs is next to me - don’t even ASK, I can’t even begin to be pissed off - and I have no more sleep left in me as I have slept about 40 hours of the last 2 days in order to stave off the nausea, so no sleeping through New Year’s like I always do. Not that I could’ve gone out for any countdowns anyway, since being 20 years of age in this household counts for squat towards independence. My only comfort, the cat, has resorted to completely ignoring me. I can’t even eat the fried prawns my parents brought back from the seafood place for fear of triggering my upchuck reflex.

So I’ve managed to weasel my way through schoolwork, literally at my own expense. If it’s one resolution that I’m making for next year is to not be a complete dickhead when it comes to academics, but I make that resolution every year. Go figure.

Still no man either. He’s too busy with life to look my way, and I’m really not bitter about this. Just.. sad that I could possibly never mean as much to him as he does to me.

Blargh. Don’t let me bring you down. But Happy New Year indeed.

- Thank you Yam for taking care of me yesterday.
- And to the rest of you, watch out for my ‘2005 In Media’ coming next year, right here.
- And to Yam, Zher and Danny, your templates are coming, very soon.

Yam’s Birthday - Picspam!!

2005-12-21T17:47:00.000+08:00

The girls went out for Yam’s birthday today. Since Pudu for Coconut House was too far for some of us (koff*me*koff) we decided on The Curve, and ultimately Friday’s. For the drinks. Them, not me, though I took a sip of Corona and made a face. Am just completely incapable of consuming alcohol, which I suppose in the long run is a good thing. I took videos of some parts of it, so here are some stills from the night.They’re screencaps, so excuse the quality.

Yam sprained her knee last week at the gym, so for a temporary birthday gift, I gave her my dad’s unused cane as a permanent loan. Decked it out in a mini pink feather boa, as you can see. X)

There was some debate about a song performance - Maryam understandably refused to sing on her own birthday. Between Bohemian Rhapsody and Isabella, she chose neither and sat back down on her seat. So did someone else.

Hazeryl was working there that night, and so was his brother Asyraf. Which prompted some of the girls to ask me whether I knew the entire floor staff, but oh well.

So no song, settled on a speech instead. Before she went on with the usual pleasantries, she opened her speech with ‘Hello, welcome to Persidangan Lesbian-Lesbian PJ..’ since there were no guys there. And seeing that some of us are perennially single (koff*me*koff), we all laughed along.

The first happy birthday song was sung, we all sang along. They held the cake some ways away from her to test her ‘blowing’ skills, and she passed rather successfully. Men, take note.

They then hid the candle in the cake and told her to take it out with her teeth, which she also did rather successfully. Again, take note.

They closed off with that doowahdiddydiddy song, the ending of which nearly gave Yam a heart attack, what with growing old and all X) The night was a good night; it’s been a while since we’ve all sat at the same table together. Unfortunately Sa couldn’t make it, though we WILL see each other before the weekend.

The other girls that night?

(I don’t photograph well) (nor am I fancy like some)

This is going to be my last update for the year, as I’m going off to Indonesia and Singapore next Monday until after New Year’s. Sorry my posts have been lacklustre of late, haven’t been in the writing ‘zone’ for a while. Anyhow. Until then, have a merry merry Christmas and a happy new year! Lotsa love from The Alia

(Life, I Wish I Knew How To Quit You)

2005-12-12T16:03:00.000+08:00

Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. One wonders sometimes why I even set an alarm in the first place. I blink, the familiar midday shades of green color the room, sunlight through my curtains. Familiarity comes into focus. My friend Federico once said ‘Life kicks random shit at me so I gotta kick back.’ I, on the other hand, collect random shit in life and organize them into cute little piles to display around my room.

There’s the bookshelf divider that has rows of books, arranged by category, alphabetically. The racks of CDs, also arranged by category, alphabetically. The pictures, the crazy amount of pictures of people I’ve come across. People that at one time or another have meant something to me. The knick-knacks; little decorative items from Indonesia and McDonald’s Happy Meals. Piles of cushions on my always colorful bedsheets.

Everything out in the open. Everything for everyone to see.

I can’t think of anything I want to do within my means that I haven’t already done. When I was younger I was a theatre brat; I danced surprisingly pretty well, I acted and diva-ed like the rest of them, I could (and still can) sing. They even sent me to the US when I was 12. There’s a picture of my foster family and I in Arizona to document that brief moment. I even acted in a made-for-tv movie, the subject of which shall never be brought up again. I performed for Agungs and Dato’ M back when he was still the PM.

Stretching lazily, I pick up my tattered copy of Kitchen Confidential and read a few pages.

I’ve done taekwondo, I’ve joined the police cadets. I’ve been an Interacter, now I’m a Rotaracter and I plan to be a Rotarian once I hit 30. I’ve volunteered at the animal shelter, helped out people with learning disabilities. I’m well-trained in housewife duties thanks to the mother: I can cook, I know how to clean, I actually like sewing and crafts of the like. I’m also immensely fascinated with math, physics, chemistry. I believe in a higher power, though maybe not necessarily God. I read, I write. I can muck around with photography and art and get by. I’m in architecture school and I’m not even going to begin to explain to you the amount of things we need to learn, even as a lowly diploma student.

Mmm, that’s enough Tony for now. Should I put my glasses on..?

And let’s not forget music. I live, breathe and I swear will die by it. I’ve played the piano since I was six, picked up the cello ten years later. I even teach now, proving true that saying that those who can’t do, teach. I can’t go a day without song. I wish I’ve gone to more concerts, rock or classical but I’m just a victim of circumstance (Plastilina Mosh and The Faint will never come to Malaysia, Alia). There isn’t a genre of music I’m uninterested in, just specific artists within those genres. Give me American bluegrass, give me Icelandic post-rock, give me French hip-hop. I can handle more.

Oh, look at the time. There’s laundry needing sorting, kitchen needs to be tidied. Move, woman, move.

I apparently have a brain for school, or so my teachers and lecturers exhaustively point out. Year after year their frustration with me grows ten-fold. I slacked off for years in public school and managed to get out with decent grades. I don’t focus, they say. I could do whatever I want to, they say. But I am, don’t you see? Though my fate of tumbling into architecture school is most probably the ass-kicking I deserve; design studio doesn’t treat procrastination very kindly.

Are those the cats meowing? They need food. And their litter trays cleaned. Some fuzz therapy first thing in the morning (!) ain’t so bad.

Seen the world? Some of it. I’ve been to the States, I’ve been to Europe, I’ve been to Australia, I’ve been around South East Asia. I want to go to Latin America before I die and tolerate a mug of beer for the sake of going around Argentina with aforementioned Federico and my friend Maryam (for there is no word near perfect enough to describe her and I say ‘tolerate’ for I am horrible with alcohol) And yes, I love my friends. The girls from high school whom know me better than anyone else, the LJ crowd who entertain me endlessly, even the people in college who keep me sane. And yes, it pains me to say it, but my family.. flawful as they are, I dare not imagine life without them, it’d be too quiet. Too boring. I’ve fallen in love too, accepted, rejected. I’ve kissed and been kissed, in the rain and under the stars. I’ve held hands, run several bases. I still however go gaga over the odd celebrity, mostly because I can never be satisfied with what I can get out of the relationships I deserve because it’s easier to dream of your prince than it is to actually find him.

On second thought…

This probably is a crusade to show off my life to you and I don’t blame you for thinking that. Modesty isn’t exactly my virtue. Neither is patience, tact, diligence, responsiblity or discipline, but I digress. I can’t help it; at the end of the day, at the beginning of the day (regardless of what time I actually wake up), I love life. I love the randomness, I love that there might be karma, I love that great and horrible things happen. I love every single beautiful soul and blithering idiot that I’ve ever crossed paths with, from the best lecturer in world Mr Feisol to that skank back when I was twelve who spread malicious gossip about me (I did not go to the States in your place you twit, who would believe that you passed up an opportunity like that?) (I also sometimes hold grudges)

Oh fuck, here come the thoughts.

I know now though, really and truly, that’s it’s not particularly the people. It’s not any singular event. It’s not any of the things that I’ve learnt specifically. I’m simply in love with love. And I’m in love with life. So when they beat me down, it’s not anyone or anything that I’m angry at. Not even myself. I’m just sad that love and life failed me. Because nothing hurts more than the things you love letting you down.

Every day I think of these things; I think of the gracious beauty and brutal hardness of everything. I think of what happened yesterday, last week, month, year, sometimes lifetime (for I have been born before, but we’ll save that for another time). Then I reverse it, and think of what life might be like tomorrow, next week, month, year. Too many people have said that I think too much. I must say I think so too. I also talk too much. I remember reading somewhere that sometimes talking too much masks having nothing to say. I say plenty when life lets me down, which is fairly often, and it’s cathartic. My life, like my room, possessions and thoughts, is for everyone to see.

Every day, I kick off the covers, go downstairs to feed the cats, and wonder what life might throw at me that day. If it’s great, I hope I’ll catch it. If it’s not, I know I’ll catch it and hopefully lob it to someone else. Every day I pick up something new to be passionate about, to be obsessed over, to dissect in my head. What would it be today, I have no clue. In the meantime? I’m just going to hit the snooze button again.

It’s way too early to be thinking.

Kita Masih Muda Dalam Mencari Keputusan

2005-12-09T05:04:00.000+08:00

I get attached.
I feel comfortable.
I get possessive.
I get protective.
I am sincere.
I get obsessive.
I think too much.
I talk too much.
I get envious.
I complicate things.
I feel safe.
I want things easy.
I am optimistic.
I open up.
I pull back.
I am pessimistic.
I am distracted.
I am confused.
I need to focus.
I know this could be.
I have no patience.
I love too much.

I want you.

(It’s not happening)

Of Friends And Those Who Come Close

2005-11-24T08:41:00.000+08:00

To say the internet changed my life would be a crude and easy way of putting it. The internet greatly contributed to my self would be much more apt.

I started blogging New Year’s 2004 on Blogger after reading Liyana’s faeriesinmycoffee, thinking, ‘Hey having your thoughts read by - basically - the whole world sounds scary as hell but it’s pretty cool. You can pretend your thoughts are worth a damn.’ The blogging world is divided into many subcategories: among them there are those who yammer on everyDAMNday about how their day went and put up scans of their shopping receipts, there are those who post bad poetry and fiction (which I’m guilty of too), there are those who keep the drama out, and there are those who blogging is their outlet for drama. Blogging gives a false sense of security; on one hand, it is what it is: a journal, so you feel comfortable typing out your deepest darkest secrets. Also, you think that because you’re one in several million who blog, what are the chances of the ‘wrong’ people stumbling upon your blog? I kept in mind that when I started blogging that my words, once I press the ‘publish’ button, become public property and that I have no control over who reads it. Because of the journal aspect of it, when people read your blog, it gives them an insight into a side of you that would take real-life friends weeks/months/years to catch a glimpse at. You spill your heart out to a stranger, things you would think twice about telling your classmates whom you see everyday. But it goes without saying that I love my ‘real’ friends to pieces and I’m sure you do too. There’s something to be said about the people who’ve actually known you forever, who could tell even more embarrassing stories that you conveniently leave out of your blog and at the same time, wait for the mechanic with you when your car breaks down or wordlessly offer a hug when you feel like your world is crashing.

The beginnings of friendships (and all relationships platonic or otherwise), I believe, are built on differing quantities of two elements: attraction and chemistry.

Attraction: yakni daya tarikan seseorang. Ini tidaklah termasuk daya tarikan worked-up-so-sexual; daya tarikan yang dimaksudkan ini adalah daya tarikan yang paling asas. How most new friendships are started is an element of attraction. I remember in Form One when I would see the Angsana crowd whooping it up. I was immensely attracted to their closeness, thinking ‘Now that’s a fun group.’ Of course I was in Anggerik, so whatever.

Chemistry: for me, the level of comfort you feel with each other - not in a group dynamic, but on a one-on-one basis. How much instinct tells you that this person is a good person, how you can gauge how much you can trust them. How much you feel you can let go and truly be yourself. It’s obviously more important than attraction alone. This is something that’s difficult to explain, but I’m sure you know the chemistry that I speak of so I’ll move on.

Friends on the internet have no attraction to base their pull to you on. You need to physically see the person, to know how they speak, how they carry themselves, how they shovel food into their mouths (pakai tangan ke sudu&garpu?) to have any attraction. So what’s left? Chemistry. And since they’re already reading about you slitting your wrists or your alcoholism, it cuts through a lot of red tape. You knowthey’re not going to run away screaming because if they haven’t already then it’s going to take homicidal confessions to put them off and even that might not work either. You start chatting with them, trading songs, and eventually when you do physically meet up, you feel like you’ve known them for a while even though you’ve only started talking to them less than a week ago. A very bad analogy that works would be this: with real life friends, you meet them fully clothed. Time goes by and you slowly take each item of clothing off and sooner or later you’re down to your skin. With the internet you’re naked at first glance, and since you’re already at that level, you feel no need to put a shirt on when you physically meet (ada orang terasa? Tau takpe). This doesn’t make one kind of friend better than the other, it’s just different.

I’ve sobbed before, about what-the-fuck-am-I-gonna-do-when-Maryam -leaves. It’s not just her leaving, it’s her leaving on top of everyone else that’s left. I’m running out of physical shoulders to cry on, out of physical hands to hold while we jump around the playground. The old crowd is scattered across the globe chasing papers and falling in love, the older crowd has long since fallen out of touch - we didn’t have much chemistry to begin with, I hate to say. This is why I think that I’ve been latching onto my internet friends of late, why I’m speeding up the ‘friendship’ process. I think I’m doing good. No one’s kicked me out of their bedrooms yet. There were bad moments, but my cyber life has been nothing short of awesome for me. If it weren’t for the internet, I wouldn’t have met Pa’an. Or Federico. Or my LJ friends whom I heart immensely.

So (since I don’t know how to end this entry).

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

No Alarms And No Surprises Please

2005-11-24T08:18:00.000+08:00

_{(Originally written at 8.46pm, November 19th 2005)}

Earwax: 30 Seconds To Mars’ ‘Attack’
Eyeboogers: Yann Martel - Life Of Pi

I am not your mother. _{(I did not give birth to you)}
I am not your sister. _{(We did not share a womb)}
I am not your cat. _{(So stop petting my head)}

I wish not to be just one of the girls in your wake.
I wish not to be ‘one of the guys’.
I wish not to be someone you’re indifferent to.

Really now. I do know how to pick ‘em, don’t I? I know you have groupies: gaggles of 15/16/17 year olds who swoon everytime you even look in their direction. I know you could have your pick of the litter. But I’m not going to change myself and turn into a mengada-fied teenybopper twirling hair around her fingers for you. I’m not going to call you to discuss my outfits (heck, I don’t even do that with my best girlfriend). What I want is to be someone you have fond memories of. I want to be a part of your life. But I also don’t want to be set so far apart from the aforementioned giggly girls that for some reason to you I have an extra appendage between my legs and you feel that you can treat me like one of your cronies. Just because you’re my friend it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost all sense of sexuality. I’d like to know that in some infinitesimal way that I’m desirable, that to you I’m still a girl. I’d like to keep that tiny window open with you, for mere chance of a possibility; though I’ve shut this window with some, and I tell them so. I may not want you (now) and you may not want me (now), but I need that tiny opportunity to still hang in the air. In short: I may sometimes I act like one of the guys, but I’m still a girl. Treat me as such, but at the same time, don’t treat me as such. If nothing else, that maybe-confusing statement should remind you that I’m a girl.

(Some parts of this refer to certain individuals, some parts to men in general. If you’re too daft to get which is which, then it doesn’t refer to you at all)

(I’m cranky. Where are my pills? Where?)

(The modem AND the Astro got fried on Saturday’s storm. Lovely)

Alive And Well

2005-11-18T05:59:00.000+08:00

[To appease a certain friend (I’ve been seeing ‘Seattle, Washington’ show up on my site location meter too much), here’s a quick update that I’ll delete off once I can write more/coherently.]

I’m trying my best to stop ‘and this is how my day went’ entries, but I haven’t been having any profound thoughts of late, or at least ones that I want to share, haha. So here’s what I’ve been up to these days:

- My baby’s back! I’ve been on an install/download frenzy and I must say the NEC has benefitted greatly from the upgrade.
- I have Myspace. I succumbed. But it is teh pretty even if I do say so myself. Go here.
- Bittorents! I’ve discovered the holy amounts of fun to be had from bittorrenting. Three episodes of Kitchen Confidential and the pilot for Supernatural downloaded with ~~season 5 of Queer As Folk and~~ the pilot for Prison Break on the way. Whee!!
- The number of friends I’ve made in cyberspace is growing. And I heart every last one of them. (Hazeryl, you’re a dork but I’m a dork too so kita dork bersama-sama ye? More games, more lollipops! Haha)
- I’m on a hunt for a good modelling/rendering software that won’t kill my braincells too much. Either that, or I have to pick up on my manual rendering skillz of zilch.
- What is it with me and Neopets? A life is what I need.
- I need to go on a semi-hiatus. Too much school work to do and only me to do them. (Danial, wherefore art thou?)

So as you can see, I haven’t left the computer much. Though I thought I was going to pass out when Streamyx couldn’t connect yesterday. I’m flying off the dork charts. Huhu.

How Many Churchgoers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

2005-11-06T18:43:00.000+08:00

I’m not a churchgoer, neither am I a Christian in any way, but this is holy amusing. Found while surfing on here (I don’t usually nick stuff from other blogs either, but oh well). Read on..

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn’t backslide.

Astrophysics For The Non-Beauty Queen

2005-11-06T16:26:00.000+08:00

I’m reading Madeleine L’Engle’s Time Quartet at the moment. I read A Wrinkle In Time years ago - Ma bought it for my 11th birthday, if I’m not mistaken - and I loved how it simplified the most complex of sciences that even now I can’t comprehend fully into the powerful yet almost whimsical story of faith and physics. Basically, the basis of the story is the probability of the fifth dimension. Most people who went through basic math would know the first three spatial dimensions: the first dimension being a line, the second being a plane (the line attaining length), the third being a cube/box (the plane attains height - the dimension we all consider to be real, where we consist of matter). The fourth dimension, to put it short, is Time. The fifth dimension, is as L’Engle puts it, a ‘tesseract’. Simply put, to travel through space without going the long way round. Imagine a bug wanting to go from one end of your skirt hem to the other. If the bug were to walk the whole way, it’d take much longer than if you were to bring the two ends together and the bug simply walks over.

Or here’s the MS Paint version:

Replace the skirt with the universe as we know it, and the bug with you. That, is to tesser.

This theory, among a lot of other things, is what compelled me to read the book over and over again. L’Engle was way ahead of her time - the book was written in 1962 - and it’s still as startling today, I’d like to think. I didn’t know it then, but I know now that this book made me love math and science in the nerdy almost water-tumbler way that I do now. I still do math equations for fun. That special issue of Scientific American on time has been read and re-read so much that it’s falling apart. I hated the crap that they taught you in school. Mostly because the teachers reduced it to pure drivel and made us do uninspiring experiments and exercises. But as much as it was annoying, it was that much more fundamental to my understanding of the science that I’m passionate about now.

Take this for example: time as we know it is either a) past, b) present, c) future. Easy to imagine everything on a straight line, no? So as far as we all generally assume, conventionally speaking, that time moves on a fixed line, simply forwards, nothing else. Only the present is real, the past ceases to be, the future is uncertain. But apparently there’s been some brill loonies in the physics world who are arguing this: okay, so the present is real. But the present moves into the ‘past’, no? The then-present has every claim to being real as the now-present. Their argument is that since every moment considers itself to be real, time may not be as linear as we thought. Objectively, past, present and future must be equally real, or, if you really wanna work your noodle, that everything is happening at the same time (they didn’t say it exactly, I’m just coming up with that conclusion myself). When you take it at surface value, now that just pisses away the cause-and-effect value of everything in history, but I’m not gonna discuss this bit further; you can drive yourself crazy with that notion in your own sweet time. Or have you already? Who knows?

Now I’ve just finished A Wind In The Door, the subject matter of which I shall bring up to discuss at another time. Just dwell on this in the meantime: what if size really didn’t matter? What if you could be so large as to hold the birth of a star in your own hands or be so small as to be within a mitochondria?

Think about that. I’m off to bed.

Updates, Updates

2005-11-06T16:05:00.000+08:00

(Excuse my emo entry the other day. My mind needs a straightjacket, I swear.)

These past few weeks have been, all things considered, pretty awesome. I got to go out more than I used to, caught up with some people. There was the ‘buka puasa’ at Danial’s; so many firsts with the Happy Thursday crew, I must say. And, oh, the copious amounts of shisha at Shaheeran’s - twas a night of many amusing happenings. The lessons in serendipity with Fahmy the funny (who knew you could make friends over a McDonald’s counter, eh?) and texting Aidil on Raya (yes I will take part in your revolution against radio!). Raya itself came and went with no hoohah and reasonable amounts of duit raya and ayam masak merah. Today I went out with Dizzy Li and my adik the gempak and came back with no CDs (!)

Curling up with new books and my cats under the green bedsheets never felt bettah. Classes start tomorrow, which reminds me that I need to arrange my sketches properly. And my heart? Still firecrackered. But lots calmer.

p/s - Go John! Go here.

You Know You’re An Architecture Student When…

2005-11-02T16:32:00.000+08:00

A litany of depressing behavours. Nicked off Architecture.

* The alarm clock tells you when to go to sleep. (Finals week, anyone?)
* You’re not ashamed of drooling in class anymore, especially during Structures lectures.
* You know what Superglue tastes like.
* You celebrate space and observe your birthday.
* Coffee and Red Bull are tools, not treats.
* People are nauseated just by smelling your caffeine breath.
* You are surprised when you see a new building in your school. (Though Alif is too small to have their own building, I’m surprised when I see newly-renovated rooms. ‘Wtf? Since when?’)
* You think it’s possible to create space.
* You’ve slept more than 20 hours non-stop in a single weekend.
* You fight with inanimate objects.
* You’ve fallen asleep in the bathroom.
* Your brother or sister thinks he or she is an only child.
* You’ve listened to all your CDs in less than 48 hours.
* You’re not seen in public. (I’m not seen in public anyway. Doesn’t matter, this)
* You lose your house keys for a week and you don’t even notice.
* You’ve brushed your teeth and washed your hair in the university’s bathroom.
* You’ve discovered the benefits of having none or very short hair, and you’ve started to appreciate inheriting baldness.
* You’ve used an entire role of film to photograph the footpath.
* You know the exact time the vending machines are refilled.
* You always carry your deodorant.
* You become excellent at recycling when making models.
* When you try to communicate, you make a continuous and monotonous whine.
* You’ve danced YMCA with excellent choreography at 3 am and without a single drop of alcohol in your body. (Hell yeah)
* You take notes and leave messages with a rapidograph and colour markers.
* You combine breakfast, lunch and dinner into one single meal. (Coming from me, this is extreme, yo)
* You see holidays only as extra sleeping time.
* You’ve got more photographs of buildings than of actual people.
* You’ve taken your girlfriend (boyfriend) on a date to a construction site.
* You’ve realised that French curves are not that exciting. (Ah, to be jaded)
* You can live without human contact, food or daylight, but if you can’t print it’s chaos. (OMFG SO TRUE)
* When you’re being shown pictures of a trip, you ask about the human scale.
* You can use Photoshop, Illustrator and make a web page, but you don’t know how to use Excel. (Hey, of course I can. Sheesh)
* You refer to great architects (dead or alive) by their first name as if you knew them (Frank, Corbu, Mies, Norman).
* You buy 50 dollars worth of magazines that you haven’t read yet.
* When someone offers you a Bic pen, you feel offended. (Not really, but hilarious, nonetheless)

The Hari Raya Hiatus

2005-11-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

So to all those who read that celebrate: Happy Eid to all :)

(Things are great. Wonderful. Confusing. But isn't life?)

My Firecrackered Heart

2005-11-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

(I lied. Ignore the previous entry.)

If I were to do another quiz like majiggy, one of those ‘what matters to you in life?’ things, I’d bet my Death Cab CDs that the result would be: ‘personal fulfilment’. I know fully well that I want to be satisfied, soul-wise. I want to write a book, play my songs, travel to South America and Europe, make a difference. When the answer options of the questions have the slightest mention of a partner in them, I always answer otherwise. I’d like to think that I don’t need a man. Or to be more specific, the lifestyle that I want, the things that I want to do in life, it’d just be harder if there was a man to encumber the whole process. It would have to be one helluva guy to trust me that much and let me go as I search for whatever it is that I need out of life. So that’s why, even though the quizzes would tell me to answer as honestly as possible, I almost never get ‘romantic relationships’ as an answer, not even close.

Then I look back at my short existence and realize: it does matter. Hematters. The slightest thought of a man, the tiniest possibility, the smallest inkling, it drives me to distraction. The amount of work I have doesn’t matter. The search-for-soul stuff? To put it in a Hallmark way, what’s the point if, at the end of the day, there’s no one to share it with? I feel an insane sense of longing when I see those pictures that couples put up on their Friendster/MySpace, wondering where is that guy, where is my guy? There’s always friends, I know. I love my friends to death. Everyday human connections to me are so important it’s almost emotionally immature. I need to speak to someone other than family at least once a day. Hence the phone bills, hence the hanging around the internet. But sometimes it isn’t enough. You want someone to hold your hand, you want someone to tell you that you look hot even though you have mustard in your hair, you want someone to love you back, to be as head-over-heels into you as you are into them. The one time I was in love it was too complicated to work out, and the one time I was in a relationship there wasn’t actually any love for me to hold on to.

I realize now that soulmates don’t exist. There is no One. But for those short moments, episodes of ecstasy-fueled words and touches and kisses, I’d give up anything. I need them more than I want to admit; I wish I didn’t feel this lost without a man. I know that being ‘in love’ doesn’t last, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it so badly I almost cry. It’s bad enough when you’re wandering around wondering where in the world is Mr Right Now, but when you know who he is, when you know who you want to have this dance with and he’s too busy being the DJ? It makes for endless sessions of emo-ing at 2am, self-doubt and insecurity.

You’ve got to want something to have something.
He makes me want to.

So I pray that for at least a brief instant, before these emotions fade away, he’ll feel for me the enormous rush of what I feel for him.

All I Needed

2005-10-26T06:31:00.000+08:00

Earwax: Incubus - Make Yourself

I didn’t need him to profess undying love. I didn’t need him to whisper sweet nothings.

All I needed was to mean something to him.

He danced with me. Just for a little while. But it was all I needed to know that at the very least, he’s fond of me in some way.

But Then Again, Who Said Nobody Loves Me?

2005-10-25T13:24:00.000+08:00

Thank you Shah, for Saturday. Yes, aku tak puasa. Aku tak boleh puasa. Takde kene-mengena dengan keadaan I yang berisi ni, ye.

Thank you Danial, for Sunday. We shall measure more things! And berkhalwat behind the sub-station. (Matchmaker project camne, Abang D?)

Thank you Pyan, for Monday. You rock. You do. You are an awesome friend in all the ways that truly matter. Just keep the porn to yourself :P

<3

Wait Til They Undress You

2005-10-22T14:54:00.000+08:00

You know that feeling you get when you think you don't quite measure up? All of a sudden everyone's superior in every which way. When you think (you know) that they're cooler than you. When you think (you know) that they're smarter than you. When you think (you know) that they're hotter than you. It's bad enough when you see that everyone seems better than you, but when you're among the second-best, when it's just one person that is more of an ish than you, that's when you go, 'oh fuck'. Her drawings are better, his music is cooler, she's infinitely more stylish than you could ever hope to be. Or maybe he's got more friends and runs with the 'it' crowd. Or she's on a full scholarship to somewhere you could never even get a sniff at. These thoughts roll through your head, poking their pointy points on the insides of your skull. You beat yourself up, thinking 'This must be why she's not friends with me,' or 'This must be why he never calls'. I used to have a rather healthy self-esteem. I still believe that everyone has their own things going on. But sometimes whatever you're great at doesn't matter, you want some of what they have. And you realize that all this while, you've been making all the effort and why aren't they reciprocating? Is it because I don't have _{(insert appropriate attribute/talent here)}? I can no longer tell them to shove cold sharp things up their large intestines. From caring to not caring, back to caring, I can't not give a damn. So you stew in your thoughts, wondering what the hell went wrong along the way. And the only conclusion you can come up with is 'Yes, it must be because I don't have _{(insert appropriate attribute/talent here)}. And the only wish you want, the only thing you're projecting, the thought that's poking inside your head?

'I'd give anything to be her.'

And you hate yourself more for it.

Peace, Post-Haze (Or, The Entry That Had Too Many Working Titles So Alia Gave Up And Took The Easy Way Out)

2005-10-17T11:51:00.000+08:00

Parents are coming back tonight.

I had so much fun the past week it was illegal; no units to look over my shoulder, money to spend any which way I wanted to, more friends over than I had the energy to cook for, being on an unexpected holiday. I don't usually give shout-outs but I feel entirely obliged to give props to the people responsible for the great week I had.

The Happy Thursday Gang Of Four: Yam, Danial, Adi (so many things I could say about this day, but I'd rather keep them to myself this time)

Friday Night Crew: Ezzat (lepak ah uncle), Alissa (I larf yooou), Yam the Super Onion Peeler (she cooks rice too!), Eida (say hello to John!), Pyan (hahahahahhaahahaa), Atiq (I'm taking your phone away next time)

Sunday Night Crew: Danial (there is no spoon), Li (the Li the Li), Adi (oh God the mercun poses), Shaheeran (see, my house is fun!)

And of course, Kak Zura (you're the best), Low (finally finally), Iki (I. Do. Not. Smoke.) and Henna (you need to get out more) for the hours of laughs.

You guys are awesome. 'Nuff sed.

Peace, Pre-Haze

2005-10-12T12:51:00.000+08:00

Earwax: Starsailor's 'In The Crossfire'

I missed my 200th post a few entries back. Dammit. (blink)

They say peace is hard to attain. I don't doubt that. I've experienced snatches of it throughout the years at the oddest times, like when I cut my foot back when I was 13. It was absolute serenity (though I was limping for fucking ages) and it made me realize that what I recognize as peace, for me at least, is the ability to not let things affect my state of being.

'Twenty bucks? Thanks.' (blink)
'I'm grounded? Huh.' (blink)
'Laparlah. Buka in 9 hours? Oh well.' (blink)

Things are happening, not happening, left and right. Parents are off, house to myself, catching up with old friends, cooking/cleaning/cat-sitting. Bad stuff happened, great stuff happened. But it's all pulling into a flatline. Which makes me worried that what I'm feeling isn't actually peace, just a chilled version of 'tak kisah'. Or maybe it's because I'm fasting and I can't be arsed to rustle up the energy to react as I usually would (see Yam's explanation on Maslow Hierarchy of Needs here). Or maybe because the temperature of every room I've entered seems to be tuned to that of a meat locker so it takes my mind off of my more... profound thoughts. Or maybe I do actually have brain cancer and it's pressing on whatever bit of my brain that regulates emotions. Or..

I give up.

I'm feeling peaceful. I'll just take it as that.

Brain Cancer? No, Just Hypochondria

2005-10-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

My migraines are worse than usual. It's turning into almost-seizures, accompanied with nausea, shoulder pains, eye strain, the works. But not to worry, it's not brain cancer. And even though I've cut down on a lot of food, if I don't exercise again soon, my brain will probably get hit by a haemorrhage by the time I'm thirty. Which is... (calculates in my efficiency-has-been-compromised brain) ...ten years from now. And I know this because one of my lecturers went through the same shit when he was my age and last year got knocked out by a burst vessel. Health care has never been my strongest point, but now - coupled with my 3-month mission for mengancamness - I'm really going to put in as much effort as my currently creaky bones can muster. Too many things I haven't done yet. I don't want to be hampered too early by the inevitable wheelchair.

(And yes, aku taulah bontot aku besar. At least people can see me when I turn sideways. Yes, I mean you, you skinny shuffle boy :D)

So I drove the Kembara for the first time today.. Goddamn that thing can't go beyond 80kmph even if my bleeding brain depended on it. But a car is a car is a car, and thank goodness I've got wheels to, er, zip around with. Parents are heading off for umrah on Saturday up until the 17th when my mom gets back and Babah's coming back later, wants to go to Ujungpandang first or somewhere. Which means Kak Zura and Yam are sleeping over, Girl to 'keep an eye on me' and having Yam over cuts down on phone bills, so yay! Oh, and the reason the laptop is taking 3 weeks to fix is because the father will only be back at the end of the month and can't pay for it before. Compromise your daughter's education, why don't you.

I realize I blog more when I'm stressed and/or working, which explains the explosion of entries here and on the other one. By inference, that means that I've got work to do, therefore I'm neglecting it to blog, therefore I need to get back to it.

Cheers, folks. You'll be seeing a lot more of me soon enough.
(Streamyx is available in Nusa Subang! No more boondies!)